You know what I'm thankful for this year? That stupid Thanksgiving is almost over. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy watching Uncle Chris get sauced and scream at the TV when the Giants lose. I love seeing Uncle Kevin put his fingers in the gravy boat to get that last, little drop. I can't get enough of Grandpa Frank's Hill-arious stories about World War II and how those Nazis were "dropping like flies." And I can't seem to tear myself away from Granny Helen's description of her colonoscopy and how the doctor's hands were "cold as a witch's titty." But still, fuck Thanksgiving.
Why, you ask? Because I couldn't give half a shit about pilgrims and I couldn't care less about Indians. The best thing the pilgrims did was kill the Indians and the best thing the Indians did was figure out how to sell tax-free cigarettes. I like turkey but thanks to my "DeepFry De-Luxe" I can have it whenever I want" In minutes" with NO MESS! Thanksgiving is a time to go to your old high school's football game and brag about how your college is wayyyyyy better than everyone else's. It's a time to wonder why everyone in the family but you is really enjoying watching the big fucking balloons go by Macy's. It's a time to see your old friends from high school and play "who got fat." But mostly, Thanksgiving is just boring no presents, no carols and no F-ing EGG NOG!?. But luckily, Thanksgiving is a gentle reminder that Christmas is right around the corner.
When Thanksgiving passes by like a nasty bout of the clap only a few precious weeks separate you from the best holiday around. You eagerly dream of what gifts you can buy for all your family and friends. But, as the days go by and your checkbook gets thinner, you cut that list down to the essential persons. Your roommate? Nah. Your sister? Nah. Mom? Nah. They'll get over it. But there is one person you can never forget at Christmas" yourself.
Christmas is about getting that special feeling deep down inside that says, "Heyyyy" buy me THAT!" It's a time to finally clarify for your parents that, no, you don't like green turtlenecks but an iPod would be pretty great. It's your time to let the world know that they should satisfy all your material needs and, for God's sake, no cheapo Savings Bonds, Grandma! People like to say that Christmas has lost touch with its roots; that it no longer is a day of celebration to honor our Lord Jesus. But, Jesus got a bunch of gifts on that day too granted, nobody better get me and frankincense so what's wrong with me getting some?
I hope that all of you survive the Thanksgiving mess and make it to Christmas okay. I know I'll be there with a red sweater, a ton of gift certificates and a real ugly homemade scarf" thanks Aunt Cheryl, would it kill you to spend some of your welfare check on presents, you cheap bitch?