So You Want to Have a Job
Congratulations! The decision to have a job is a big step in any young man or woman's life. If you're not sure whether you're expecting a job, here are some ways to tell:
- you frequently feel nauseated when you think about your future
- you experience morning sickness upon waking up and remembering that you're not in college anymore
- you miss a period of your life when you didn't live with your parents and see craigslist posts in your dreams
With the proper guidance, you can proudly bring home a happy and healthy job offer in only a few short months.
It's important to eat right when expecting, because you're no longer eating for one full-grown person. You're now eating for one pathetic half-person who doesn't even have a job and therefore doesn't feel she deserves to spend any money whatsoever on herself.
A sample daily menu for your new lifestyle:
- Breakfast: nothing, because you slept till 12:30
- Lunch: The leftovers your parents were saving for dinner
- Dinner: Sugary cereal, because who's going to stop you? You're a grownup now! Kind of.
While you might not be able to continue your favorite types of exercise (anything requiring an expensive gym membership is out), it's important to stay in touch with your body through this journey.
Here are some safe and healthy workout options:
- Laptop lifts
- Lying on the ground in despair
- Laptop lifts while lying on the ground in despair
- Telling your parents you're "going for a jog" to get out of the house, rounding the corner from your house, then lying on the ground in despair
When you're expecting a job, your mind and body are extremely sensitive. It's not uncommon to experience one or more of the following symptoms:
- abrupt mood swings between overwhelming jealousy at anyone else who has a job and deep shame and loneliness
- weight gain from only eating sugary cereal for dinner
- sudden cravings to apply for strange jobs like copywriter for a bodybuilding magazine, assistant to a celebrity seal trainer, or bartender
Skeptics will tell you that any attempts at communicating with your unborn job will not be acknowledged or even heard. But you may as well try! Sending messages to your future employers can provide an important bonding experience for the employee, even if that experience is completely one-sided.
If you're not sure what to say, start with this email template:
Dear Potential Future Boss,
Hi! Hope you're doing well. Just thought I'd check in again to see if you've received my resume and cover letter. I know you have, because I emailed it your work email account, faxed it to your office, and then e-mailed it to every combination of your first and last name at gmail, yahoo, and hotmail that I could think of. But "checking if you've received it" sounds less desperate than straight-up begging you to bring me in for a job interview, after which you'll probably ignore me for another month while I send you semi-weekly emails that are almost identical to this one begging you to give me the job, so here we are!
Please let me know if I can give you any more information.
After You Have the Job
It's perfectly natural to feel depressed.
Illustrated by Matthew Robinson