The console wars are upon us yet again, and I am pleased to announce that this November I, _XBoxLover6969_ , will be continuing my career with Microsoft by purchasing an XBox One on opening day. It was a hard decision, but in the end I felt I couldn't betray the trust of the monolithic international corporation that has somehow earned my misguided allegiance.
This decision was not easily reached. It wasn't until I clicked "purchase" on the Xbox One pre-order page that I was stricken with a vision of true clarity and purpose. As the money trickled swiftly from my student checking account, my path became clear. I saw for the first time that The PS4 was a worthless piece of trash (with almost no good games) and that it was "super gay" with the raw potential to eventually become "gay as all hell."
Since my social skills are nearly as poor as my finances, I will henceforth be using the Xbox One as the focal point for my entire character. If you wish to interact with me in any way, please be prepared to discuss your favorite electronic brands or franchises. In addition to hating the PS4, I also reserve the right to hate any XBox One game I haven't purchased yet. This strategy may seem inherently radical, but my parents just told me they won't buy me video games for Christmas anymore because I'm a "goddamned adult for christ sake" so I'm merely preparing for all possible outcomes.
Furthermore, after an extended period of debate amongst my colleagues, we have concluded that when addressing insidious Sony Fanboys (online or otherwise), we shall hereafter exclusively refer to the the playstation 4 as the 'Gaystation Whore'. It also bears mentioning that anyone who buys a Wii U instead of one of the two Main Consoles is not only gay, but a Big Dumb Baby as well. Several of you may comment that I once owned a Nintendo 64, and that my observations are hypocritical and base but, like, come on, n64 ruled so just shut up.
I should clarify that I am in no way homophobic, nor opposed to that lifestyle, but merely stating the previously observed fact that people who use and support the Playstation 4 Entertainment console are, in fact, gigantic raging homos that love nothing more than kissing up and down on other men's big wieners. My parents pay my taxes.
In all honesty I will probably buy a Playstation 4 in a year or two after the price goes down a bit, but until then I will be vehemently opposed to the idea of such filth ever occupying space in the cramped basement apartment I share with two strangers.
I eat off of paper towels and have never owned a bed that wasn't also technically a futon.
In conclusion, PS4 is fucking dumb, but some of the games looks really chill; and I would totally come over and watch you play if you invited me and payed for my gas.
(formally _XBoxLover6969_ )
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