From Caldwell Tanner on
By Caldwell Tanner
Candy Crush is Getting Really Worried about You IMAGE NOTE: Most of the action for this comic will take place on this screen. 1. A standard Extra Moves purchase screen advertises that for $0.99 you can get 5 extra moves and 3 lollipop hammers. 2. The Extra Moves Genie has appeared on the left. He looks concerned. Genie: Hey man, don't you think you've had enough moves for one day. The $0.99 purchase button now reads "I'm fine." 3. The Genie now floats in front of the purchase button. Genie: No. NO You're not. You know you can just wait like 6 minutes and get more lives right? I I'm cutting you off. The purchase button now reads "please don't." 4. The Genie face palms. Genie: I knew I should have never sold you those jelly-fish, man. Those things are a total gateway candy. Now look at you. Living swap to swap, you don't care about anything other than clearing jellies and feeling that sweet sweet booster rush. It's pathetic. The purchase button now reads "I can quit anytime I want." 5. The genie looks angry. Can you? CAN YOU? Do you have any idea how worried your friends are? You connected me to your facebook profile, I know how bad it's gotten. You only talk to them when you need more lives. They're worried about you, and you know what? I'm worried too. Purchase button now reads "Offer to suck off Genie for a few striped candies" 5. The genie is angry now. Genie: Oh for sweet's sake, man LOOK at yourself! You've been sitting on this bathroom stall for 20 minutes, you've got EIGHT missed calls from your family, and you haven't bathed in two days. You didn't even come in here to shit! YOU CAME TO THIS STALL FOR THE EXPLICIT PURPOSE OF PLAYING CANDY CRUSH. You. Need. Help. The purchase button says "leave me alone." 6. Genie is crying. YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. SPEND YOUR ACTUAL MONEY ON A SERIES OF IMAGINARY FINGER SWIPES. DO IT. SEE IF I CARE. purchase button reads "PURCHASE IN PROGRESS" 7. Genie is begging with you. The purchase button reads "purchase declined, not enough funds." Genie: HA! See? SEE WHAT HAPPENS? I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN AND NOW YOU'RE OUT OF MONEY. So please, put the phone down. I'm saying this as a friend, not a genie. Put the phone down and let the healing begin. 8. Genie is flipping you off. The purchase button now reads "Mortgage House for 10 Lives and Three Sprinkle balls instead?" Genie: Fuck this I quit End.