By Hallie Cantor
waiter at a sit-down restaurant (US): 20% of the meal, pre-tax
waiter at a sit-down restaurant (Europe): Spit in their face
fast-food cashier: Nothing. They can't do anything to your food to make it worse for you than it already is.
barista at your regular coffeeshop: $1
barista at any other coffeeshop: $1, but all in coins! They're your problem now, sucka!
delivery person: whatever amount the delivery website you're using fills in automatically
bartender: $1 for the first two drinks, nothing for the third drink because you're out of singles, and $10 for the fourth drink because you're a generous drunk
cab driver: 10%
cab driver who called you sweetie: 30%
cab driver whose cab you just threw up in: 100%
bellhop in a hotel: $5
bellhop not in a hotel: $5 anyway because c'mon, why is he wearing his bellhop uniform on the street? Obviously the guy's going through a rough patch
hotel housekeeping: $5 folded into a triangle the way they do with the toilet paper in hotels
bathroom attendant: Nothing. This is a stupid tradition. You can get your own paper towel. In fact, force them to pay YOU a dollar for enduring the awkwardness of their presence.
manicurist: $1 immediately after manicure, additional $2 after you mess up your thumbnail and ask them to redo it
hairstylist: one 20-dollar bill sliced into small pieces which are then distributed amongst all employees
pedicurist: one golden toenail sliver, perfumed
exterminator: 1 can bugspray (as a joke. Then once they realize it's a joke, you give them a quarter.)
apartment movers: random varied amounts handed to each mover in a personalized envelope while winking and whispering "I know you're worth ten times more than the others"
cleaning person: T-shirt that says "I Cleaned So-and-So's Apartment for a Year and All I Got Was This Lousy (But Freshly Laundered) T-Shirt"
plumber: 1 plum
parking valet: Ooooh, look at you, Mr. Fancy with a car that someone else parked once. Why don't you tip them a RUBY-STUDDED MONOCLE from your COLLECTION of MONOCLES STUDDED WITH PRECIOUS GEMSTONES?....Oh, this place is valet only? Well whatever, you still have those monocles. That's on you.