From Hallie Cantor on
By Hallie Cantor
waiter at a sit-down restaurant (US): 20% of the meal, pre-tax waiter at a sit-down restaurant (Europe): Spit in their face fast-food cashier: Nothing. They can't do anything to your food to make it worse for you than it already is. barista at your regular coffeeshop: $1 barista at any other coffeeshop: $1, but all in coins! They're your problem now, sucka! delivery person: whatever amount the delivery website you're using fills in automatically bartender: $1 for the first two drinks, nothing for the third drink because you're out of singles, and $10 for the fourth drink because you're a generous drunk cab driver: 10% cab driver who called you sweetie: 30% cab driver whose cab you just threw up in: 100% bellhop in a hotel: $5 bellhop not in a hotel: $5 anyway because c'mon, why is he wearing his bellhop uniform on the street? Obviously the guy's going through a rough patch hotel housekeeping: $5 folded into a triangle the way they do with the toilet paper in hotels bathroom attendant: Nothing. This is a stupid tradition. You can get your own paper towel. In fact, force them to pay YOU a dollar for enduring the awkwardness of their presence. manicurist: $1 immediately after manicure, additional $2 after you mess up your thumbnail and ask them to redo it hairstylist: one 20-dollar bill sliced into small pieces which are then distributed amongst all employees pedicurist: one golden toenail sliver, perfumed exterminator: 1 can bugspray (as a joke. Then once they realize it's a joke, you give them a quarter.) apartment movers: random varied amounts handed to each mover in a personalized envelope while winking and whispering "I know you're worth ten times more than the others" cleaning person: T-shirt that says "I Cleaned So-and-So's Apartment for a Year and All I Got Was This Lousy (But Freshly Laundered) T-Shirt" plumber: 1 plum parking valet: Ooooh, look at you, Mr. Fancy with a car that someone else parked once. Why don't you tip them a RUBY-STUDDED MONOCLE from your COLLECTION of MONOCLES STUDDED WITH PRECIOUS GEMSTONES?....Oh, this place is valet only? Well whatever, you still have those monocles. That's on you.