7 Important Service Announcements for Your Winter
By Hallie Cantor
Service will not run to parties on weekends. Instead, it will redirect immediately to your bed. As of Winter 2011, service to the grocery store has been discontinued permanently. As an alternative, express service will run to Seamless. Dressing yourself will stop only at layering on as many clothing items as possible and will no longer require matching or expressing your personal style. All attempts to listen to music will be temporarily rerouted through covers of Christmas carols until January 15, effective immediately. You will not be shaving your legs/face from October 1 to April 30. There will be no ice cream. Until further notice, you will feel inexplicably sad.