The Honest Guide To Setting Up Your New Phone


It's time to set some alarms! For some reason, set your alarms much earlier than you ever actually wake up, as though the phone is seeing your alarm times and you need to impress it. Then when your alarm goes off the next morning, fumble around with the phone until it stops making noise, not realizing you completely turned the alarm off and somehow also deleted your clock. Oversleep badly.


Repeat this for the next 11-15 days. Eventually accept the fact that purchasing a new phone has not instantaneously reset your body chemistry. Change your alarms back to a time you'll actually wake up. Still secretly know that your phone is judging you.

 

The Honest Guide To Setting Up Your New Phone

What apps do people have? Uhh... hm. Well Shazam, obviously. Facebook and Twitter. And Candy Crush. Is that an app or a game? Either way, get it. Heard a lot about Grindr, too, should probably grab that. There's probably a local-transit one you'll want too, but just wait until you actually need that someday to be like "crap, I should've downloaded that Local Transit app but now I'm underground."

Cool! You should be good for now, but I'm sure you'll overhear people talking about other apps some other time and be like "that sounds cool, I should totally get that" then forget to.

 

The Honest Guide To Setting Up Your New Phone


Wow, the camera on this phone is SO MUCH NICER than the one on your last phone. You can't WAIT to try it out! Take a picture of yourself, then look at the picture and instantly remember how much you hate every picture of yourself. Wait, are you really THAT bald? How does a higher-res camera somehow make you look balder? Shut up, camera.

Either way, delete the photo. Now your camera's ready to go!

 

The Honest Guide To Setting Up Your New Phone


You successfully imported your contacts from your last phone, but now your "Contacts" list is a giant jumbled mess of obscure email addresses, phone numbers you've never actually dialed, and people who only exist as weird nicknames and you can't remember who's who. There's literally one contact that just says "Big Eyes". When and why did you put a number in your phone as "Big Eyes"?

Should you call Big Eyes? Just randomly call them out of the blue and be like, "Hey it's me from the past - do you have large eyes or was that some weird inside joke and also what gender are you?"

This is getting off topic. There's a simple way to clean up the contacts list: Open your Contacts, start deleting the ones you never use, and then after 25 minutes when you realize you're only on the B's, then give up and be like "whatever, it's fine" and just search whenever you need to find a contact. Now your contacts list is a much more navigable list of the contacts you actually use, plus every single other one from the letter B on.

 

The Honest Guide To Setting Up Your New Phone

 

Wooohooo! New phone!

 

(Pics via Shutterstock)