If Drugs Had Mascots

By Rosie

  
DRUG: Alcohol
PRODUCT SLOGAN: Courage in a Can
MASCOT: Bernie Buzz 
IMAGE: Belligerent/sloppy bear sporting a sweaty, ripped polo shirt w/ rolled up sleeves, sunglasses, sideways visor, board shorts, and boat shoes.
CATCHPHRASE: Nyah, lest go deh-duh shtrip chlub tah seeda tibbies.

DRUG: Weed
PRODUCT SLOGAN: Be Cool. Bud-Up
MASCOT: Bubbles
IMAGE: Slouching sloth, looking like he just woke up, donning a nonsensical Simpsons shirt with a high Apu saying "Dank You, Bong Again" and whitie tighties. Hazy red eyes. 
CATCHPHRASE: Heh-heh, heh. Imma sloth.

DRUG: Adderall
PRODUCT SLOGAN: Who needs a cup to stay up? (below in smaller text) Next time, skip the coffee and reach for a 20mg dose.
MASCOT: Tweaky the Spotted Screech Owl
IMAGE: Wide-eyed owl anxiously gnawing on his lower lip while reading 6 different books
CATHPHRASE: ... annnnd now I know everything about bridges. 

DRUG: Mushrooms
MASCOT: Benny Boomer 
PRODUCT SLOGAN: Mushrooms: Made with Real Star Stuff! 
IMAGE:Psychedelic colors. Over-the-top cartoony/cutesy rotting log covered in termites wearing a mushroom sombrero. Huge goofy grin on his face. 
CATCHPHRASE: ZOINK, ZOINK! Nothing is real!  (inside a bright star speech bubble)

DRUG: Cocaine/Crack-Cocaine/Amphetamines
PRODUCT SLOGAN: Follow my nose. It always blows!
MASCOTS: (3 characters like Snap, Crackle, and Pop) - Pow-Yow (Bull), Zip (Hummingbird), and Miss Lady Caine (Anteater)

IMAGE: 
Pow-Yow: Crazed, incredibly jacked bull wearing unbuttoned sleeveless dress shirt with torn dress pants like the Hulk. Pulsating, bulging blood red eyes and a bloodied nose with remnants of white powder on his upper lip. Heavy brow sweat and patchy fur covers his body. One horn has mardi gras beads hanging on it.
Zip: Coked out hummingbird hovering near Pow-Yow's head. Big, bloodshot red eyes with a bill caked in cocaine. 
Miss Lady Caine: An anteater decked out in pimp attire (purple suit, purple hat, gold cane). There's a long line of coke laid out in front that she's snorting from her long snout.
CATCHPHRASE: THEN CALL HIM AGAIN, BARRY!

DRUG: MDMA/Molly
PRODUCT SLOGAN: A moonrock a day keeps the sadness away.
MASCOT: Lil' Baby Mols
IMAGE: Pixie decked out in EDM festival attire -  90s neon clothing, loose hanging (slutty) tank top, sexy cut-off acid wash short-short jean shorts and moon boots. Giving "fuck me" eyes and carrying a camelpack for hydration.
CATCHPHRASE: I pwomise it's toootally pure, bebe.