Artwork by Mike Burns
If Drugs Had Mascots
DRUG: Alcohol PRODUCT SLOGAN: Courage in a Can MASCOT: Bernie Buzz IMAGE: Belligerent/sloppy bear sporting a sweaty, ripped polo shirt w/ rolled up sleeves, sunglasses, sideways visor, board shorts, and boat shoes. CATCHPHRASE: Nyah, lest go deh-duh shtrip chlub tah seeda tibbies. DRUG: Weed PRODUCT SLOGAN: Be Cool. Bud-Up MASCOT: Bubbles IMAGE: Slouching sloth, looking like he just woke up, donning a nonsensical Simpsons shirt with a high Apu saying "Dank You, Bong Again" and whitie tighties. Hazy red eyes. CATCHPHRASE: Heh-heh, heh. Imma sloth. DRUG: Adderall PRODUCT SLOGAN: Who needs a cup to stay up? (below in smaller text) Next time, skip the coffee and reach for a 20mg dose. MASCOT: Tweaky the Spotted Screech Owl IMAGE: Wide-eyed owl anxiously gnawing on his lower lip while reading 6 different books CATHPHRASE: ... annnnd now I know everything about bridges. DRUG: Mushrooms MASCOT: Benny Boomer PRODUCT SLOGAN: Mushrooms: Made with Real Star Stuff! IMAGE:Psychedelic colors. Over-the-top cartoony/cutesy rotting log covered in termites wearing a mushroom sombrero. Huge goofy grin on his face. CATCHPHRASE: ZOINK, ZOINK! Nothing is real! (inside a bright star speech bubble) DRUG: Cocaine/Crack-Cocaine/Amphetamines PRODUCT SLOGAN: Follow my nose. It always blows! MASCOTS: (3 characters like Snap, Crackle, and Pop) - Pow-Yow (Bull), Zip (Hummingbird), and Miss Lady Caine (Anteater) IMAGE: Pow-Yow: Crazed, incredibly jacked bull wearing unbuttoned sleeveless dress shirt with torn dress pants like the Hulk. Pulsating, bulging blood red eyes and a bloodied nose with remnants of white powder on his upper lip. Heavy brow sweat and patchy fur covers his body. One horn has mardi gras beads hanging on it. Zip: Coked out hummingbird hovering near Pow-Yow's head. Big, bloodshot red eyes with a bill caked in cocaine. Miss Lady Caine: An anteater decked out in pimp attire (purple suit, purple hat, gold cane). There's a long line of coke laid out in front that she's snorting from her long snout. CATCHPHRASE: THEN CALL HIM AGAIN, BARRY! DRUG: MDMA/Molly PRODUCT SLOGAN: A moonrock a day keeps the sadness away. MASCOT: Lil' Baby Mols IMAGE: Pixie decked out in EDM festival attire - 90s neon clothing, loose hanging (slutty) tank top, sexy cut-off acid wash short-short jean shorts and moon boots. Giving "fuck me" eyes and carrying a camelpack for hydration. CATCHPHRASE: I pwomise it's toootally pure, bebe.