I know you've all probably been reading these "'advice for freshmen' articles that seep out of essayists and internet jokesters about this time of year. I always try to stay away from them because it's so hard to write something original about the topic – yeah, we get it" you a lot drink in college. Great detective work, bro.

Anyways, in an effort to be different – though I'm sure it won't be – I give you this piece on "Five Things You Can't Believe You Did In High School."

5. Went all day without smoking. As a college smoker, you light up where ever the hell you want. Quad? Sure thing. Dining Hall? Who's gonna stop you? Campus security? Don't make me laugh till I cough. In high school you sat there for six hours" Six Hours at a time without smoking. Can you believe you ever had that kind of self control? Oh, you were also deathly afraid of getting caught if you did try to sneak a butt during school. Even if you were eighteen, the prospect of getting caught smoking was terrifying. What will I say to my Mom? How will I ever get into college now? God, what an idiot you were.

4. Had lots of money. Sometime around you sophomore year of high school you'll probably get a job. You'll work on the weekends and maybe a weekday or two. Before you know it, you've got tons of cash. You've got nothing to spend it on and your parents cover all the big purchases. "Wow," you think, "Now that I work, I'll always be this rich!" Not so, my friend. Two weeks into college and you're on the phone every night trying to convince your mom that, yes, your Bio textbook really did cost $2,500 and "that's why I don't have any money left in my bank account." Plus, you can't work a job now" when will you ever find the time to call home asking for money if you're working everyday?

3. Worried about your reputation. You used to be a self-centered jerk, huh? Everyday you worried about being popular and how to impress the cool kids. You told lies like "I don't care if the popular kids like me because I have my friends." If anything went awry in your plan to stay cool – you farted during a test, you got your period on the bus, etc – you freaked out and predicted your forth coming social ruin. "My" life" is" over!" In college, you could take a shit in a garbage can, sleep with your cousin, drink a shot of pee and wake up in the hospital and it wouldn't hurt your reputation one bit" in fact, it may even help. Oh, by the way, the kids that killed their reputations during high school for doing something weird" you'll never, ever forget them.

2. Drove. Wow, you used to have a car. Remember that? If you wanted to go somewhere, you just up and went. You didn't have to call your friend with a car, negotiate a monetary compensation, give him a time estimate, buy him beer, rub his back etc, etc. AND, gas was meg cheap back then. As opposed to $7.38 a gallon like it is today, I can remember filling my whole tank for under $18. Ah, those were the days…

Finally, the number one thing you still can't believe you did in high school is" .

1. The head cheerleader.

Man, what happened to you? Loser.