To hench, or not to hench

HenchUni© is a name only, it is not an actual university. It gives us credibility and also makes it difficult to sue us, while making you feel comfortable. HU courses are generally run over a 3-4 year rotation. We say "years" because it makes people feel better and after 3-4 "years" of training, your imminent death, maiming or belittling doesn't seem quite so humiliating and/or worthless.


First year will cover a variety of courses designed to give a solid foundation in basic henching. Those that qualify (survive) can continue their study in a wide variety of henchtastic specialities afterwards.


Year 1 includes some of the following courses:

Basic Shooting: Guns, what are they? How to hold a gun and aim it in the general direction of bad (good) guys.

Shooting at boxes, small animals and unidentified sounds. Repeatedly.

Knives: Differentiating between the pointy bit and the handle.

Slashing and stabbing.

Patrolling: Walking back and forth in a menacing way.

Looking: Why it's important.

 

Year 2 includes:

Lines: (Oral) If you have a simple one, here's how to get it right. (Physical) Don't step on anything that looks like a line, it'll probably kill you.

Sounds (interior & exterior): They are usually a precursor to death (invariably yours), do not investigate them.

Suits: Where can I get one that fits me? For ladies: Why is my costume so tight and/or impractical? Where will I hide my gun?

Psychology: Why is my boss such a mean person? When is a good time to offer a hug?


Years 3 & 4 offer more advanced techniques to ensure your survival until at least the third act and maybe even the finale. Gary Busey (Lethal Weapon), Darth Vader (Return of the Jedi) and Oddjob (Goldfinger) offer guest lectures to provide you with the in-depth knowledge of famous and revered henchers all of whom have reached the final ten minutes.


So, if you are a foreigner, or different in any way from what is considered normal, apply to HenchUni© today. People with strong, guttural accents are given preference, however, we can teach you how to speak in a strange way even if you speak perfect English. For those with no English skills a course is given in year one in Pidgin English just to make sure the bad (good) guy knows exactly what you're saying and/or about to do.


Don't delay, apply to HenchUni© today and increase your odds of surviving for at least seventy minutes.