Dear Guy who uses restaurant lingo inappropriately
Hi, it's Mindy. We went out on three or four dates last winter. Are you still an actor/waiter? Hope that's going well. Hey, remember when we were eating Chinese on the Upper West Side and you were rambling about your ex girlfriend? So fun! Remember when you said, "She was so needy, a little too self involved for me. So, I eighty six'd her?" Well, that was the reason I never called you again. Listen, if that was the only time you used the expression I would have totally continued hanging out with you, but it wasn't. You were 86ing everything that night.
"I used to like country music, but then I 86ed it"
"Oh, I might have to 86 our plans this weekend"
"Okay, ha ha Mindy, let's 86 the sarcasm."
It really started to freak me out. I pictured you 86ing things left and right in the bedroom. I pictured you wanting to 86 our unborn child one day. Plus, you were the type of guy who regurgitated his resume when someone asked you what was up. That's incredibly lame.
I hope you get famous really soon.
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Dear Banana Republic Head Honchos,
Hi, I just wanted to write and say congratulations, you're gayer than the GAP! Officially. See it's obvious from the merchandise presented each year that you and your sister store have been competing against each other for the title of most gay for quite awhile, and I just wanted to let you know that Banana Republic won.
Okay here's how the game loosely played out in my mind,
Corduroy floral button down shirt: 4 points
Black button down shirt covered in white butterflies: 4 points
Bright blue argyle knit socks: 2 points
Blue boxers covered in white polar bears: 4 points
Matching red knit hat and scarf for men: 4 points
Bright pink argyle knit socks: 2 points
So it was all tied up. Then, last week, when I was picking through some clothes off the Banana Republic sale rack, the floor guy came over and asked if I needed any help. I told him no thank you and as he walked away he said, (and I'm quoting him directly) "Well, if you decide you need some help just sing out Louise." SING OUT LOUISE! That's the gayest thing I've heard in my whole life, and I grew up doing musical theatre with men who made me feel extremely manly.
So anyway, congratulations!!
PS. I'm a huge fan of ALL your chain stores. When I wear those clothes I feel, finally, that I'm accepted among my peers
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Just wanted to let you know that I have a boyfriend. He's Catholic.
Please don't tell mom. See you at Thanksgiving.
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To the couple who lives in the building next door to me who owns that dog that looks like a rat, but shits like an overweight golden retriever:
Hi, it's Mindy. I'm the one who usually screams out obscenities when walking by your apartment. Did you guys know that it's ILLEGAL in New York to leave your dog's poop in the middle of the sidewalk? It is, and I've reported you to the Department of Sanitation.
I didn't want things to end up this way. I wanted us all to be friends. I've always dreamed of being best friends with my neighbors. I'd stop by to borrow eggs and we'd end up hanging out for hours talking about the meaning of life and popular music. But now, after my last relay race like move to keep my white shoes white, I realize that we will never be friends because you both are lazy, sick, sloppy, CRIMINALS. The next time I step in your pocket-sized excuse for a dog's steamy pile of shit, I'm going to break into your apartment and use your toothbrushes to clean out the soles of my sneakers.
I'm embarrassed for both of you. Everyone on our block hates you. You have no friends.
Your dog is ugly.
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To the couple that lives above me,
I just wanted to let you both know that I really admire you guys. I've never had really angry sex before, but I've always wanted to try it. I hear from lots of people that it's AMAZING, but I never got the chance to literally, hear it until now.
It's really impressive. Personally, I don't know if I could screw a guy after he called me a "stupid cunt rag" and then (if me ears are correct) pushed me into a large object, but you guys seem to make it work.
I'm sorry, you're probably reading this right now and thinking wait, who is this girl, which one is she? I was girl at the mailboxes last Tuesday when you guys were walking out of the building. I was the one who turned to you both and said "Last night was your best ever. I had no idea you guys spoke Spanish."
Ha, good times.
Well, I hope your fall is full of crispy leaves and apple cider, and kudos on keeping the love alive,
- * * *
Dear Dogs in NYC with nicer clothes than me,
Well, here we are again. Face to face on the streets. I'm wearing a sweater from H&M for ten dollars, and you're wearing a Burberry dog dress that costs more than my apartment. Listen you little bitch, you're not better than me! It's what's on the inside that counts! So, remember that the next time you're strutting around with your Chanel leash and four Gucci leather boots!
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Dear People who pay lots of money to take their dogs to doggie yoga,
Instead of taking your dog to yoga next week, you know what you can do that will be just as good? Take a match and set a shit load of your money on fire. Do it with you dog. It might center him.
Good luck being you,
- * * *
Dear guys I've had flings with that now have psychotic girlfriends/ex girlfriends,
Hi, it's Mindy. Some of you may remember me and some of you may not. We had a casual fling for [insert appropriate days/months/hours] and although I thought you were really nice and I'm glad that now we're [friends/not friends at all], I'm sort of pissed off that you didn't tell me that you [have a psychotic ex-girlfriend/will have a psychotic girlfriend in the near future]. See, I think it's only fair to let me know about these things BEFORE getting involved with me. So, because I care about you and your romantic future, here's some stuff you can use on that next special someone.
" Listen [girl's name], you're great, but before we go on I just want to let you know that my last girlfriend was kind of unstable and when she finds out about you she may start going to your comedy shows and booing. She may also try to physically hurt you if we're all hanging out at a bar together, but don't worry I'll protect you. Also, she might print out your headshot from the Internet and use it as a dart board from time to time. Cool, take off your shirt!"
"Hey [girl's name], I think before we continue this awesome casual fling thing we've got going on, I should inform you that I'm going to fall for a psychotic women in the near future. Don't ask me how I know, but I swear it's gonna happen. And when she asks about past flings, well, I'm gonna tell her all about you. Then she's going to read your blog thirty times a day, and print it out, and highlight all the things she hates about it, and she's going to wake up in the middle of night in a cold sweat screaming, "[Die (girl's name) Die!] and then she's going to print out your headshot from the Internet and use it as a dart board from time to time. Cool, take off your pants!"
Well, I really hope that was helpful. For the safety of myself and those I love, please don't speak of me again.
- * * *
To My Hot Roommate Christy,
Please stop meeting guys through match.com, lavalife, j-date, cuddleparty.com, eHarmony, and speed dating. Stop bringing them back to our apartment, and stop borrowing my handcuffs and vibrating thong without asking me first. I can't take it anymore!
See ya soon babe,
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