I recently received one of those irritating forwarded e-mails. Apparently people haven't realized that the total number of forwarded e-mail read in the history of the internet is approximately zero. Now this particular silly little chain letter made up by some zany gal was titled "Why Women Are Better" and went through many different topics and why she thought her kind were #1 in all of them. Nothing makes me happier than to imagine the author of this fine piece of propaganda getting in a horrible machinery accident. But don't worry! I don't imagine them dying, that's just wrong!! Although they do recover in a 3rd rate hospital which only has Ben Affleck DVDs and seasons of "Saved by the Bell: The New Class." Anyway, I have always wondered what a man's cynical, sarcastic response to this type of e-mail would sound like. Well, I'm glad I asked!
"We got off the Titanic first."
Congrats, you froze to death a few minutes after us and the Irish people.
"Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep."
It would be a little hard to make that delicious Thanksgiving dinner with one hand, wouldn't it?
"Our boyfriend's clothes make us look great and gorgeous guys look like complete idiots in ours."
Oh yes, my loose gym shorts really show off your awesome body. Trust me, my hooded sweatshirt is the only thing that will be going below your waist for the foreseeable future.
"We never have to wonder if he was faking it."
That's okay, we don't have to wonder if we were faking it either.
"New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life."
Hey, Rogaine and a mistress do the same for us.
"It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower."
We all clearly know this is a lie. It starts with a slumber party full of giggles and curiosity that leads to a pillow fight and then continues over the "boom boom chicka chicka wa waaa" music.
"We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing."
You're right. You don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. You look like a frog with boobs in a blender when dancing.
"We get free drinks."
Free drinks usually lead to sex, so technically they are free, but you are now bartering alcohol for sexual intercourse, which makes you sort of a hooker. And you bartered, which makes you sort of a pirate. Ay ay matey.
"If we forget to shave, no one has to know."
Yes, and I thank God every day for that. But I would still argue that a five o'clock shadow is just a little different than getting in some extra flossing time in during foreplay.
"We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass."
Yeah, but she would probably feel more supported if you would. Maybe just give it a little squeeze once in a while. C'mon, try it
You never know, it might work.." Please?
"If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot."
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look fucking awesome.
"There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems."
Same goes for alcohol and a rusty switchblade, your point?
"Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable."
Gay women making out in a pool, topless, don't make us uncomfortable.
"We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes."
We don't size someone up based on the fashion mistakes they made that day. We use more reliable sources such as how much weight they can bench. Or else we can always fall back on something just as dependable like good old stereotypes.
"We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra."
Sorry I can't hear you, it must be all of that extra money that I make in the modern workplace stuck in my ears.