Congress Splits the Check

 

  1. Chili's. Lunchtime.
  2. All 535 members of Congress sit around a table littered with empty plates and pitchers.
  3. CHUCK SCHUMER

    Well I, for one, am STUFFED.

  4. They all laugh. Hard.
  5. A WAITRESS drops off the check at the head of the table, with HARRY REID and JOHN BOEHNER.
  6. WAITRESS

    Whenever you're ready, no rush.

  7. JOHN BOEHNER

    Thank you so much, Gwen. Everything was delicious. Truly.

  8. The Democrats all take out their credit cards and throw them on the table.
  9. HARRY REID

    Cool to split on cards, yeah?

  10. JOHN BOEHNER

    Uh yeeeeah, I don't think so.

  11. The Republicans all laugh and shake their heads.
  12. JOHN BOEHNER

    Time to pay for this baby fair and square.

  13. NANCY PELOSI

    Oh, come on, let's just do this and get out of here.

  14. MITCH MCCONNELL

    (looking over the check) Well, I for one did not have any of the Southwestern Egg Rolls.

  15. RAND PAUL

    Me neither.

  16. HARRY REID

    Guys, we ordered those for the table because we agreed they were a good option for everyone.

  17. JOHN BOEHNER

    Oh, we did? Because I'm pretty sure I can get my own, better egg rolls down the street at Fifth Ave China Tung whenever I want.

  18. NANCY PELOSI

    Yes, and no one is taking that away from you.

  19. JOHN BOEHNER

    Well, it sure feels like you're trying to.

  20. HARRY REID

    Look, Southwestern Egg Rolls may not have been ideal, but we wanted to provide enough for each and every one of us.

  21. TED CRUZ

    And then make us chip in for it? Even if we didn't want any? I will NEVER be your BENEFACTOR!!

  22. NANCY PELOSI

    ...Or you could just be a pal and just chip in a few bucks for God's sake.

  23. TED CRUZ

    NO. I refuse. I'm paying for mine separately. Give me a napkin and a pen.

  24. MITCH MCCONNELL

    I'll do the same.

  25. REPUBLICANS

    (in unison) Us too.

  26. HARRY REID

    No, we're splitting evenly.

  27. DEMOCRATS

    (in unison) Hear, hear!

  28. JOHN BOEHNER

    Nuh uh, separate checks it is. Gwen!

  29. NANCY PELOSI

    (hushing him) John, don't you dare.

  30. MITCH MCCONNELL

    (looking over the check) I GOT IT. Ted, looks like you got the Bacon Ranch Quesadillas, split the Loaded Potato Skins with me, and then you got a Strawberry Lemonade with extra sugar, is that correct?

  31. TED CRUZ

    You're darn tootin'.

  32. MITCH MCCONNELL

    (using Calculator on his phone) Factoring in tax and no tip...

  33. HARRY REID

    You do realize that that will actually be more expensive for you than if you'd just split with us, right?

  34. CHUCK SCHUMER

    And that you're just giving poor Gwen a lot of hassle? Poor, poor Gwen...

  35. TED CRUZ

    Look, I wanted that Strawberry Lemonade, and dagnab it, I'm gonna pay for it myself!

  36. NANCY PELOSI

    ...Right.

  37. HARRY REID

    No one's saying you-

  38. TED CRUZ

    There is NO way that I will support your purchase of Southwestern Egg Rolls in any way, be it direct or indirect. I take no pity on you.

  39. HARRY REID

    Well, this is ridiculous. I refuse to trouble Gwen.

  40. JOHN BOEHNER

    Then I guess we'll be here all day then.

  41. HARRY REID

    Fine by me.

  42. NANCY PELOSI

    (looking at the check) Well, here... Who got the Texas Cheese Fries?

  43. RAND PAUL

    That would be me.

  44. NANCY PELOSI

    See, Rand - those are horrible. No one wanted those. Those kill people. But if I chip in money to pay for YOUR Texas Cheese Fries, don't you think the rest of you should be willing to just split down the-

  45. TED CRUZ

    Absolutely not! My friend Rand here should be able to order what he wants and not be force-fed your sexually amoral Southwestern Egg-

  46. HARRY REID

    What?!

  47. JOHN BOEHNER

    Take them off the bill. Now! Take them off the bill!

  48. NANCY PELOSI

    John, she can't do that. We had them already. It's a done deal.

  49. JOHN BOEHNER

    Sure she can. There's no other way.

  50. NANCY PELOSI

    Look, we'll do cash, just throw in what you think you owe, and I will figure it out.

  51. MITCH MCCONNELL

    No, WE will figure it out. WithOUT the Egg Rolls.

  52. NANCY PELOSI

    (taking out her phone) Damn it, does anyone have Venmo? This would be a lot easier if we all downloaded-

  53. MITCH MCCONNELL

    Venmo? What the hell is Venmo-

  54. NANCY PELOSI

    Oh, It's this great app where-

  55. JOHN BOEHNER

    LOOK I want to have my OWN. SEPARATE. CHECK. And I believe we EACH deserve the right for our OWN. SEPARATE. CHECK.

  56. HARRY REID

    But we're going to pay either way, John. We've got to get out of here, I mean, poor Gwen...

  57. The WAITRESS returns.
  58. WAITRESS

    Guys, not to rush you all of the sudden, but my shift ended five minutes ago, and-

  59. JOHN BOEHNER

    Not a problem, Gwen, we'll just need individual checks, 535 of them.

  60. HARRY REID

    No, no. Just give us a minute.

  61. WAITRESS

    Oh, OK. I can wait, I guess...

  62. The WAITRESS leaves. All 535 members of Congress look at each other.
  63. JOHN BOEHNER

    Look. We're not making any progress here, are we.

  64. NANCY PELOSI

    No, we are certainly not.

  65. HARRY REID

    Well... Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?

  66. They all start nodding.
  67. JOHN BOEHNER

    Oh, Gwen?

  68. WAITRESS

    Yes, sugar?

  69. HARRY REID

    We have finally reached a compromise.

  70. WAITRESS

    ...OK?

  71. REPUBLICANS

    (whispering) 3...

  72. DEMOCRATS

    (whispering) 2...

  73. ALL

    (whispering) 1...

  74. All 535 Members of Congress get up, throw over the table, and sprint out of the Chili's jumping over fences and into dumpsters.
  75. The WAITRESS just stands there, and tosses her hands up in the air.
  76. WAITRESS

    Goddamn it...

  77. Sighing, she pays for the entire thing herself.
  78. Ten hours later.
  79. The WAITRESS is tied up in a chair inside the closed Chili's.
  80. TED CRUZ emerges from a dark corner with a plate of Southwestern Egg Rolls, wearing a powdered wig. He places a gun on the table.
  81. TED CRUZ

    Hush! I'll let you go soon enough...

  82. He turns to the plate of Egg Rolls and takes out a book.
  83. TED CRUZ

    (to the Egg Rolls) Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam-I-Am...

 

Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe.