Well I, for one, am STUFFED.
Whenever you're ready, no rush.
Thank you so much, Gwen. Everything was delicious. Truly.
Cool to split on cards, yeah?
Uh yeeeeah, I don't think so.
Time to pay for this baby fair and square.
Oh, come on, let's just do this and get out of here.
(looking over the check) Well, I for one did not have any of the Southwestern Egg Rolls.
Guys, we ordered those for the table because we agreed they were a good option for everyone.
Oh, we did? Because I'm pretty sure I can get my own, better egg rolls down the street at Fifth Ave China Tung whenever I want.
Yes, and no one is taking that away from you.
Well, it sure feels like you're trying to.
Look, Southwestern Egg Rolls may not have been ideal, but we wanted to provide enough for each and every one of us.
And then make us chip in for it? Even if we didn't want any? I will NEVER be your BENEFACTOR!!
...Or you could just be a pal and just chip in a few bucks for God's sake.
NO. I refuse. I'm paying for mine separately. Give me a napkin and a pen.
I'll do the same.
(in unison) Us too.
No, we're splitting evenly.
(in unison) Hear, hear!
Nuh uh, separate checks it is. Gwen!
(hushing him) John, don't you dare.
(looking over the check) I GOT IT. Ted, looks like you got the Bacon Ranch Quesadillas, split the Loaded Potato Skins with me, and then you got a Strawberry Lemonade with extra sugar, is that correct?
You're darn tootin'.
(using Calculator on his phone) Factoring in tax and no tip...
You do realize that that will actually be more expensive for you than if you'd just split with us, right?
And that you're just giving poor Gwen a lot of hassle? Poor, poor Gwen...
Look, I wanted that Strawberry Lemonade, and dagnab it, I'm gonna pay for it myself!
No one's saying you-
There is NO way that I will support your purchase of Southwestern Egg Rolls in any way, be it direct or indirect. I take no pity on you.
Well, this is ridiculous. I refuse to trouble Gwen.
Then I guess we'll be here all day then.
Fine by me.
(looking at the check) Well, here... Who got the Texas Cheese Fries?
That would be me.
See, Rand - those are horrible. No one wanted those. Those kill people. But if I chip in money to pay for YOUR Texas Cheese Fries, don't you think the rest of you should be willing to just split down the-
Absolutely not! My friend Rand here should be able to order what he wants and not be force-fed your sexually amoral Southwestern Egg-
Take them off the bill. Now! Take them off the bill!
John, she can't do that. We had them already. It's a done deal.
Sure she can. There's no other way.
Look, we'll do cash, just throw in what you think you owe, and I will figure it out.
No, WE will figure it out. WithOUT the Egg Rolls.
(taking out her phone) Damn it, does anyone have Venmo? This would be a lot easier if we all downloaded-
Venmo? What the hell is Venmo-
Oh, It's this great app where-
LOOK I want to have my OWN. SEPARATE. CHECK. And I believe we EACH deserve the right for our OWN. SEPARATE. CHECK.
But we're going to pay either way, John. We've got to get out of here, I mean, poor Gwen...
Guys, not to rush you all of the sudden, but my shift ended five minutes ago, and-
Not a problem, Gwen, we'll just need individual checks, 535 of them.
No, no. Just give us a minute.
Oh, OK. I can wait, I guess...
Look. We're not making any progress here, are we.
No, we are certainly not.
Well... Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?
We have finally reached a compromise.
Hush! I'll let you go soon enough...
(to the Egg Rolls) Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam-I-Am...
Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe.