Like most people, each New Years Eve I pledge to find a girlfriend and become more charitable. I rarely follow through. So this year I resolved to combine both resolutions and start dating ugly girls. That's why I'm glad I met you, my little McMuffin. They say beauty is only skin-deep. But I bet you're fat on the inside, too.
How selfless I look as we walk arm-in-arm! Me the noble Samaritan, you the pride of the nation's dairy farmers! Oh darling! You make me so proud of myself! If my love were a soup kitchen, you'd get first dibs.
I often lose count of the things I love about you. When you roll over in bed, it's like a fire truck changing lanes. Remember when you got hit by that bus? Fifty people died! You didn't even flinch. I'm so lucky. Most girls I've dated are two-sided, self-conscious brats. But you, you have many sides. Like the Chrysler Building.
I can't explain it. When I'm around you, I feel like that girl in King Kong. So special and Lilliputian. I just know if a dinosaur tried to hurt me, you'd pick me up in your giant paw and bite right through its jugular. Because that's the kind of girl you are.
No need to thank me. Anyone would do the same thing. If you saw a whale on the beach, believe me, you'd tether it to your boat and drag it out to sea, too. No, I don't think I could ever let you go, my Taco Belle. I'd keep you on a leash if laws didn't require I bag your shit in plastic.
Oh, I know I spoil you. Stop blushing! Is that a dimple I see! No? It's not? Some high school kids shot you with a BB? They're just jealous.
Don't get me wrong, I have my own set of flaws: I'm tall. People are always heckling me, saying things like, "Hey, how's the weather up there?" "Move it pine tree!" and "Go back to the circus you eight-breasted-tank-of-a-woman-who-
I'd-pay-to-see-wrestle-an-island-into-the-sea." OK, maybe that last one was directed at you. But when people say stuff like that just remember, sticks and stones will break your bones, so stop eating them.
You've taught me so much about myself. Until I met you, I had no idea how generous I was. Or how good I am with animals. I only hope I've given you the same confidence. Just think, every time you jump, the Earth has two moons.
You've changed me, you know. I used to be an insensitive bastard who dated girls that don't get turned on by the sight of a cow being milked. I know, right? I was lame. If it were up to me, you and I would never be apart. Just yesterday I sold my car and bought a saddle.
Lately, however, I've had some doubts. Nothing major. It's just, when we're reenacting the "You Jump, I Jump" scene from Titanic, I can't help but look into your eyes and see that great ship's bow prematurely splitting in two. "Iceberg right ahead!" they'd shout. "Oh nevermind, fat chick overboard." Maybe it's a sign.
Like that doomed ocean liner, I think we should break up. I know it's only been a few days, but I need more out of this relationship. Sure, you're fat and ugly, but sometimes I think, if only you were retarded, I could be a saint.
Dave Holstein is a saint. If you'd like to join his free newsletter, or say hi, e-mail him.