10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"Well, it took three preachy paragraph-length statuses, a link to a Slate article from 2009, and 4 hard-earned Likes, but dammit, I FINALLY convinced this girl from high school with the 'baby in the bee onesie' avatar to permanently switch her lifelong political affiliation. That was nine sweaty, frustrating hours of my Saturday WELL SPENT!"



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"How did I meet your father? Well, me and some of my friends brushed by him in this shitty, crowded bar, and out of nowhere I hear 'Hey, are those Astronaut Pants?' so of course I responded, 'Astronaut Pants? No, they are not, in fact, pants constructed from a material suitable for space exploration, but proceed to explain your query,' and he replied that he was only asking that because my ass was 'out of this world!' Just hearing that incredibly general, superficial burst of stock-whimsy that could've been spoken by anyone, to anyone, really let me know that he was the one..."



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"Ok, they said it's gonna be an additional hour-and-forty-five-minute wait, but they should be able to cram seven extra barstools onto that trapezoid-shaped endtable by the bathroom to fit all of us, and they can give the people on the ends red-and-white-striped showbiz canes so they can reach the communal appetizers. This should be fun! I can't wait to catch up with the people to my immediate right and left while generally being aware that twenty other friends of mine are nearby!"



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


[Nighttime] "How is it 3:30 am??? Man, I gotta get to bed earlier tomorrow night."


[Next Morning] "UHGHGHGHHHHH I really, REALLY gotta get to bed earlier, starting tonight."


[That Night, 2:30 am] "I'm pretty sure I can sandwich in some GTA before and after watching another Orange Is The New Black. Oooh, 'sandwich!' That reminds me..."



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"You know, if I just cook DOUBLE the portion and only eat half, I'll have dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow!"


[20 Minutes Later, staring down at empty plate]


"Uhoh."



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"Oooh, Kurosawa's Seven Samurai is on TCM! I never actually saw that movie but I feel like I should. Hmm, it's seven hours long with commercials and it's black-and-white and subtitled, so I don't really want to watch it now (I need something light to throw on while I'm eating), but there will definitely be a day in the very near future when I'll want to spend my free time watching this entire film."


[7 Months Later]


"Welcome to the bottom of my DVR, Seven Samurai! Have you met Treme and Ken Burns: The National Parks?"



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"Jeff left his beer but it's still mostly full, I think it's still salvageable. I'm just gonna wrap some aluminum foil over the top and throw it back in the fridge."


[Opens fridge, 1/3 full Sprite crammed into the butter door from New Year's Day tumbles out, explodes on ground]


"I stand by my life decisions."



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"You know, if I just start going to the gym BEFORE work, I might actually ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"


[Falls back asleep midsentence for 63 hours]


"Whaaa... what year is it?"



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"Hey, are you still going to the meeting at 3?"


"No, actually I'm quitting this job forever at 2:55 and moving to the Himalayas with my estranged family. It'll be a crazy change, I know, but I figured this casual email fifteen minutes before a Tuesday meeting was the right time to finally break the news, haha."


"Wow, really? Congratulations!"


"..."



10 Things That Never Work So Lets All Stop Doing Them


"Hey ,  r you still up?"

Received at 4:18 am


[Recipient instantly hops into a cab pantsless with a CostCo 5-gallon tub of condoms]

 

 

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