I recently read an article off the MSN homepage entitled "5 women every guy's gotta date". First I'd like to note that the title was not capitalized, which just really irritates me because I'm a big grammar nut. I mean people need to learn to write good. But the main point of the article was to tell guys to date a variety of different women before settling down. I've left the types of women the same, but made small changes here and there, so without further ado here's my adaptation of the "5 women every guy's gotta date".

Type #1: The Older Woman
When I say older women I don't mean like a 30-year-old with a great body and personality. On the contrary, I'm talking about a gal in her golden years – start with a senior citizen in her sixties or seventies. Everyone's heard the old Egyptian proverb "Women are like a fine wine, they get better with age". Well think of this as the best goddamn wine in the world, and she's never tasted so succulent. Older women are mature. There's no doubt about that and she's got the experience to prove it. On top of it she's been places, seen things, and has a sophistication and wisdom only matched by your grandparents. Need help with that History paper on the Depression? Well you're in luck my friend, she's lived through it. Plus having already seen everything she'd have no desire to go out. You know what that means" 24/6 fuck fest (Sunday's for napping). So if you haven't tried an elderly woman you don't know what you're missing.

Type #2: The Guy's Girl
Every guy needs to experience that girl that can be "one of the guys". She loves sports, beer, and action flicks and above all ripping huge farts with the fellas. Many guys couldn't be happier about it. She's often so similar to you that you forget to censor yourself around her. You'll feel much more comfortable to do things in front of her like take shits, masturbate, and watch gay porn" did I say gay porn? I meant normal manly man heterosexual porn, right? Right. It can also get pretty wild in the bedroom. She's strap on that pink dildo and make you scream like no other woman could. You'll have a hearty laugh over breakfast the next day over how many stitches your anus needed as you argue over who's got the bigger balls in the relationship. You can just be yourself – which is all women want anyway.

Type #3: The Free Spirit
Not too much to say about this girl. She thinks she's going to start her own zany fashion line in NYC. We all know the truth though, she's just a no-talent freakshow who never called me back after that night I took her to Hooters. She'll take you to museums and art galleries and have deep conversations with you until the wee hours of the morning. But the only thing we're thinking about is whether that seventy year old found a second for her next cruise.

Type #4: The Brainy Chick
You don't always have to go for looks in your search for the perfect girl. I mean yeah, we'd rather have a super model lying next to us in bed, but who are we kidding, you're a gargoyle. Have you looked at yourself lately because you're not that appealing? Your chin's too small, your forehead's too big, if I didn't know any better I'd say you had Downs Syndrome. By all means shoot for the stars, but remember the old ancient Greek philosophy, "Any port in a storm". The brainy chick will help you with your homework, papers, and essays. You don't have to listen to her jabber on about how great it will be when there's a woman president; we all know it'll never happen. All you have to do is nod your head and ask if she's finished "editing" your paper. The nerdo will probably research the best way to give head or how to give you a 5-minute orgasm by touching your big toe just right (really works!)

Type #5: The Seductress
Every man's dream is a crazy sex fiend. She wants your trouser snake more than Keenan Thompson wants to stay on SNL" ZING! Once you've dated this kind of girl you'll realize that sex alone CAN be the sole basis of an entire relationship. It'll never get old no matter what and you'll never want anything more than hot wild sex 24/6 (Sundays are for" Church?) Conversation will be limited to heavy breathing and panting, screaming your name over and over. Many relationship therapists agree: the only connection you need is sexual.

So get out there my friend and find each one of these women. Each promises to bring you a small bit of happiness into your pathetic wasted life. And if all else fails, go for the older woman, she's most likely to leave you a small fortune!