It's the second semester of your senior year, and you've fucking had it. You can't get up for class, can't make yourself do homework, and you're ignoring the flesh-eating virus that's cost you one and a half kneecaps and counting. It's a tough time. But really, what else is new? If you're anything like me, and I hope you aren't because I read books, man, not websites, then you could never wake up for class and you could never do homework in the first place. You somehow made it through three and a half years, and you're somehow going to make it through the last few months. Everything's going to be fine. But since you're here, why not a top five list of some kind? It wasn't my idea, but the law's the law. So here are the five ranges of emotion you're going to feel in the coming months, and how to deal with them:
1. Holy fuck, I'm graduating in a few months!
You're so excited you could eat a horse! Everything you've been working towards for 17 years of school is coming to an end, unless you're going to med school, then it's like half over. Just think of all the memories you're leaving behind. The homework, studying, school lunches, unexplained transfer of all your friends from middle school in Indiana to high school in southern California, the time you accidentally boarded a plane for Auckland thinking it was just going to nearby Oakland, and so on. All of that is ending and cool new things will start happening. You can't think of what they might be, but you heard that getting hair in new places on your body is one of them. Awesome!
2. This is the last _________ ever.
You'll say and hear this statement a lot, because you and your friends are sentimental emotional bitches. It starts off fairly normal: "This is the last spring break ever." By April, it's desperation time: "This is the last time I'm going to eat Arby's after astronomy class ever." And by May, it won't even make sense: "This is the last time I'm going to shit on a sleeping girl's chest while enrolled as an undergraduate in college ever." It's easier if you just separate events from the time at which they are occurring. For instance, it's not the last time you'll have a vacation in the spring. Unless you move to Manhattan or Neptune, it's not the last time you'll eat Arby's. And come on, you'll shit on sleeping girls' chests dozens more times. You've got your whole twenties ahead of you!
Ready For It?
You haven't been this scared since they canceled "Dinosaurs." College is going to end, and you're going to work for 50 years to hopefully retire someday and be able to do as little as you did when you were a college student. You're going to enter The Real World, which isn't capitalized because it's a TV show, but because it's so scary. Scary things, like the Ebola Virus and Joaquin Phoenix, are always capitalized. Someday soon, you're going to have to pay for your own gas, stop using sushi-grade tuna for cat food, and reduce your toilet paper ply level to a subhuman two. Simply put, The Real World sucks. And that time, I meant the TV show.
4. This, right now, is the greatest time of my life. No wait, right now is. Right now.
Your parents always said that college was the greatest time of their lives. That's probably because they didn't have to put up with you, their money-hoovering drag of an offspring. But it's really hard to recognize the best time of your life while it's happening. For instance, do you think just as the ball left his hands, Steve Kerr was like, "Holy shit, he passed to me, this is the greatest moment of my life!" Probably not. And now he's dead. Just kidding! He's an announcer on TNT with Marv Albert. This is not the greatest time of his life.
5. We gotta do that thing we did that time one more time before we graduate!
In an attempt to better remember the fun you had in college, you'll try to repeat four years of activities in a matter of days. You'll drive around for hours trying to find that nude beach you accidentally stumbled onto that one time, then you'll spend 45 minutes yelling at the girl at the milkshake stand to mix Cookie Dough and Rocky Road, just like they did that time, three years ago, when they still had Rocky Road. You'll drag your friends to ridiculous restaurants because you told a really good joke once at the taco buffet in December of 2003. You'll remember going with some girl to see Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, and so you'll rent the movie and hire a member of the dorm's janitorial staff to give you a hand job in the dark while you watch it. That never happened, of course, but you can't help partaking in the elaborate setup for an "I'll buff your linoleum floor" joke.
So there you have it. Second semester of senior year. It's a time for stretching the limits of what your body, your mind, and your parents can tolerate. It's a time for enjoying the last good part of your life, before you get a dead-end job at some suicide factory and have a kid that sucks as much as you do. So close this website, put up your stupid Jack Handey quote away message, find your pants, go outside, and enjoy yourself. There's only so much left.