You know what I miss? Crossing my wrists over my crotch and telling everyone to suck it. There was no better way to insult someone, finish a book report, or tell Grandma what you really felt about her than that simple little move. In the late 1990's, "Suck it" was everywhere, like fear of Y2k, but just like the millennium bug paranoia, it seemed to disappear in the 21st century. In its absence, many catchphrases have tried to take its place as the most popular and overused little saying that was once cool, but the general public has ruined, most recently "Git-R-Done". But today, I hope to start a movement of the masses that unites under a common goal; the long awaited, safe return of Suck it!
But before we delve into finding just where "Suck it" has gone, we must first examine where "Suck it" came from. "Suck it" was believed to have been born in Detroit, Michigan, a city that has given many pop-culture icons, such as Kid Rock, Eminem, and Tom Selleck. Selleck is attributed with giving "Suck it" the big break it needed after the actor heard "Suck it" at a comedy club, not performing but telling off a bouncer. Tom Selleck was able to convince Magic Johnson to allow "Suck it" to appear on his late night talk show, "The Magic Hour", and his segment was the highest rated in shows history, drawing a viewer not named Magic Johnson."Suck it" was on top of the world, living life in the fast lane. Different five star hotels every night, doing blow with Robert Downey J.R., secretly married to Janet Jackson; things couldn't have been going better for this little two word command. There were talks about "Suck it" hosting its own afternoon talk show, it had opened up a chain of hot night clubs with Leonardo Di Caprio in New York, and it was the Hollywood liaison to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Suck it" was one hot little potato.Then, all of the sudden just like the Mayans and the Dinosaurs, "Suck it" vanished from the pop culture landscape. There were rumors of "Suck it" doing short stints at rehab centers across the Midwest, being kicked out of Knicks games for yelling racial slurs at Spike Lee, and being fired from its job as a worker for the Chicago Transit Authority after it confessed that it was in fact the owner of a small bag of cocaine found on a turnstile. Although none of these reports were ever confirmed, the internet was abuzz with people commenting on the disappearing catch phrase. Many people claimed that "Suck it" was dead, or that he was in prison. One Minnesota lady claimed to be the sister of "Suck it", and reported that "Suck it" had actually undergone a sex change operation and was living its life as "You go, girl." She was later found out to be a fraud and her story was written off. "Suck it" was most recently in the news when several sources, speaking on conditions of anonymity, stated that recently arrested former teen idol Leif Garret got the heroin he was caught with from "Suck it".Positive rumors have also circulated, such as the one that "Suck it", in a Mase-like decision became a born again Christian and began to work for the church, and changed its name to "Amen". Other reports claim that "Suck it" has taken a job as a second assistant camera man on the WB series Gilmore Girls, though WB has gone to great lengths to squash this rumor. Recent speculation on Page Six gossip columns is that "Suck it" is romantically linked to Lauren "LC" Conrad of Laguna Beach fame. Conrad emphatically denies the report.Regardless of where "Suck it" has gone, it is sorely missed, and I don't think I am alone in calling for the return of the prodigal son of the English language that "Suck it" has become. So, "Suck it", if you're reading this, come back; come home. We need you at sporting events. We need you at awards shows. We need you at political debates. We need you on Thanksgiving dinner. And if you don't come back, well then I've got two words for you: Blow me!