Well kids, Spring is here and we all know that the changing of the seasons can only mean one thing: I only have three months to get in shape for summer. That's right, because if I want to be that guy at the summer barbecue who has his shirt off for no apparent reason, I'm going to have to drop a few pounds to get in peak physical condition. Yes, Spring Break was Spring Training for an entire Summer Season of inexplicable shirtlessness. So, I'm going to have to put in a few extra hours at the gym, here are some simple ways to find me. By the way, can I get a spot?
1) I always forget what I look like.
Yeah, that's why I'm always looking in every single mirror, like eight fucking times in between each one of my eighteen sets of bicep curls. What did you think, that I was just some vain asshole who has a Narcissistic complex and simply cannot get enough of looking at myself? Wow, you were way off, I have Self-Image Amnesia, it is a mental condition that inhibits my ability to remember what I look like, it's even harder to remember what I look like when I flex. Ask your doctor, I swear it's real.
2) I do abs for, like, an entire fucking hour.
Yeah, well no shit, abs are the cornerstone to any perfect body, and if there is one thing that I have learned it is that rock-hard abs are rock-hard to obtain. And besides, if I think that I am ever going to get that girl in the green pants that for some reason have "PINK" written in blue letters across her ass to want me, I am going to need my secret weapon: Abdominal Definition. No girl can resist it, even if she likes other girls. If I am not doing abs, you might be able to find me in front of a mirror wiping my face with my shirt, actually just checking out my own abs. Damn you, Self-Image Amnesia!!!
He's looking at the man in
Hey, just because I am at the gym doesn't mean that I have to wear old clothes. Sure, this "work-outfit" cost me nearly $100 total, but what do you expect? I got it from Abercrombie and it totally sets me apart from all the slobs wearing their high school basketball shorts and sweatshirts. I mean don't they know how stupid they look, their shirts aren't even tucked in. And yes, I am wearing hair gel. Why are you laughing?
4) I make unnecessarily loud grunts whenever I do anything.
Well, it's not just me who should see how much weight I'm lifting, everyone should be forced to turn and investigate whether an anal rape is taking place or I just beat my own personal bench record when they hear the guttural sounds that come from my mouth. Sure, I act like I'm doing it for myself, and I don't even realize that anyone else is there" but who am I kidding? I wasn't hugged enough as a child and now I need attention, watch me!
5) I spend half my time in the gym fucking with my iPod.
Hey, it's hard to have that perfect lift if you don't have the right music. And I have so many badass songs on my iPod to choose from, I mean sometimes I can just put on some Limp Bizkit and listen to it the whole time. But most of the time it's hard for me to decide whether or not I am in a Godsmack mood or more of a Puddle of Mudd mood. And when all else fails, you can't go wrong with a little Nickelback, I just wish they got more airplay on the radio.
6) I let everyone else know how I do things.
Hey, I'm not trying to hide the secret to the perfect body all to myself, so I am not too good to give tips to people who aren't working out the same way that I do, or as I call it: the wrong way. Hey, doing sit-ups in the corner of the REC by yourself? I bet you do want to hear my ab routine! Are you on the bench press? Well then, let me let you in on the secret that gave me the perfect chest. Oh, you don't want a huge chest because it is pointless in today's society to be ridiculously strong? Well, uh, fuck you, I'm huge! You don't deserve a body like mine! Are you even listening?!? No, YOU go away. Fuck it, where's a mirror?
So there you have it kids, the summer will be coming up before you know it and if you want to be ripped and shirtless this summer you better hit the gym. Now, how about that spot?