Please Do Not Dress As This For Halloween

 

Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke at the VMAs

Please resist the urge to pluck the lowest of all low-hanging fruit this Halloween season. Whatever you think you're making an irreverent comment on (Miley, the VMAs, the music industry, the MAN), rest assured that this is exactly what they want you to dress up as. Don't be a pawn of the system. And don't make us look at your butt in a plastic beige bikini.

 

Blue Ivy/North West

 
You know that even rappers' babies are real people, right? Actual humans. Not toys for you to trot out your knowledge of in the service of showing off how winkingly "with it" you are. (If you MUST wear a diaper and a blingy medallion, at least go as something halfway creative like "Pee Diddy." Or "IncontinEminem," or "Whiz Khalifa." "Crawl-DMC." "Ol' Dirty Diaper." "Pooplic Enemy." SEE HOW EASY THIS IS?)

 

Cory Monteith/James Gandolfini

 
Again, REAL PEOPLE. If you're trying to make light of their death, you're a dick. If you're trying to do some kind of weird misguided-but-well-intentioned tribute to them, just write a long navel-gazing Facebook status about what their career meant to you, like every other dumdum you know.

 

Racist Paula Deen

 
Are you dead-set on getting beat up this Halloween? If not, you probably don't want a costume that necessitates shouting racial slurs throughout the night.

 

The New Pope

A timely and fun costume if your Halloween party is being held last March.

 

The Royal Baby

 
See Blue Ivy/North West. Just because people know about a certain baby does not mean you should dress up as that baby. Additionally, no one wants to hear your British accent.

 

Candy Crush

"LOL omg sooo addictive this game is like crack!" *Passes actual crack-addicted person on street, thinks about stopping to help another human soul in need but doesn't because is already late for Halloween party.*

 

@Horse_ebooks

Dressing up as the internet publicity stunt that someone just fooled you with is like high-fiving the bully who just gave you a wedgie.

 

Amanda Bynes

OHHHH, it's funny because she's mentally ill! I get it now. Scratch what I said before. This is a great costume.

 

The Red Wedding

 
While you get points for the creativity of dressing up as an event rather than a character, you are still guilty of some terrible nerd pandering. It would be like if I said this costume is about as dumb as Joffrey's face, you know? We all hate Joffrey. Aim higher.

 

The Boston Bomber

You may already have a sneaking suspicion that this costume is morally repugnant and grossly disrespectful to the victims and their families, but have you also considered that it's pretty much just typical college attire? A sweatshirt, backpack and backwards cap do not make a costume; they make a lazy asshole.

 

Edward Snowden

What you're trying to say with this costume: "I follow current events." What you're actually saying: "I do not look my best in hair gel, half-rimmed glasses and a patchy goatee."

 

A Millennial


Real clever, Mr. I-Don't-Want-to-Make-an-Effort-But-I-Still-Want-to-Be-Allowed-Into-the-Costume-Party. But a REAL Millenial would stay home on social media instead of ruining the party for the rest of us.

 

A Sharknado

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.