Johnny, I blushed when I found that I was mentioned in your writer's bio. I giggled when you emailed me and told me you wanted to chat with me sometime. I even coquettishly bit my lip when you sent me some of your writing. However, after being out for nearly 4 years now, I've gotten just a teensy bit annoyed by the constant probing and questioning from men about my sexual orientation. Call me a girl stealer, a gay recruiter, or just a big ol' dykey, but it's common knowledge that cute girls are attracted to cute girls, and drunk cute girls are head over heels for Lilly.

1) Lingerie:

I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's a little thing called Victoria's Secret. Anytime a guy tries to look sexy by wearing any form of lace, I give him a dollar and continue watching the drag show. Lingerie also seems to sneak its way into stripteases or lapdances. Every lapdance I've seen a guy try to perform quickly bursts into a cheap Chris Farley's Chippendale imitation, which personally has never made me "all a quiver." Throw some co-ed in skimpy white frabric and just try to keep other manicured hands off of her.

2) A Common Misconception:

Contrary to popular belief, girls are only a fraction of how interested they seem when listening to you. I don't do the whole "emotions" or "talking about feelings" thing; it really cuts in on my "drinking and sex" time. However, I can go for hours on end without listening to a word my girlfriend is saying, but smiling to myself because she thinks that I am.

3) Personal stylist:

Why would I go to any salon or make up counter when there's a perfectly good make up stylist right here, for free! Every girl I've dated has had some trick that Cosmo hasn't sandwiched in between "Drive him wild: 4000 tips to drain his testes" and "Love your body! By not eating." or whatever monumental journalism they're publishing now.

4) No hip/stomach injury while dancing:

As vigorous and outrageously some girls can gyrate, they'll never be able to do the damage that an excited little friend in a young man's pants can do to my abdomen. I'm really flattered that you find me special enough to rub your wang against me to a beat, but I'd much prefer a tipsy girl's soft-fabric (not jean or pants) covered tatties against me. Maybe next time.

5) Hell Fire and Menstruation:

Yay drama! For generally one week a month, Luscifer reigns a lady's sex organs. A common argument I used to hear from my guy friends whenever anything was said about period cramps was the "Oh yeah? Well you won't get gall stones." Buddy, only some men get those; imagine a wrench grabbing on to your insides right under your belly button and twisting every month, just for giggles. If you're really lucky, you can get on the same cycle, and come close to committing homicide. Bring chocolate, "The Notebook," and get ready to talk about emotions. Saddle up, this shit might take a while.

6) It's just hotter:

I know tons of very straight girls who enjoy watching and fantasizing about girl on girl sex. I know there are guys out there who don't like it, but the majority certainly does. It's a lot more socially acceptable to be a bi or curious girl in college; experimentation with the same sex for guys is really a flamer just kidding himself. Everyone likes a cute little thing giving them a drunk lapdance; everyone likes boobies. Anyone who doesn't is mostly likely too uncomfortable with their own body and sexuality to handle them, much less deserve them.

7) Home Court Advantage:

That floorboard down near the basket is dead, so avoid it. The home crowd goes wild when you sink threes. You can wear your school colors. I have no idea how else to continue this metaphor.

So anyway, nice try Johnny, but I think I'll stick with girls. And can you please tell your sister to please stop calling me? It was a one time thing.