Hey kids, now that school's out everyone knows that can only mean one thing, no not that you get to pleasure yourself without worrying that your roommate's Geology Lab might get out early again: It's summer keg party time! Yes, you finally get to leave the carefree anonymity that college affords and are thrust back into the same social awkwardness of all your high school friends! Finally! If this is your first summer back from school you can usually take some solace in the fact that the girl that never talked to you in high school has gained 25 lbs and oral herpes. But enough about that whore and her oral sores, I wanted you to know that I plan on showing up at all your keg parties! Don't believe me? Here's some simple ways to find me"

1) I sit on the counter in the corner behind the keg and dictate who drinks when.

Yeah, I got here early and helped the guys put the plastic down over their carpet and hide their DVD's so I get to sit behind the keg and pour everyone's beer for them. Sure I suck at pouring and somehow after an entire year at college haven't learned to tip a fucking cup to get a good pour, but whatever. Fuck you, these girls are totally flirting with me because they like my two polo shirts with the collars popped, not just to get a full cup faster. Alright, I have to go take a leak, can I trust you to hold my spot for a few minutes?

2) I bitch about the music until I'm finally put in charge of it, then everyone else bitches.

Damn, I can't stand this generic hip-hop being blasted directly into my ear drums. I would totally do a better job of picking the music. What's that? Oh, the only reason that this music is tolerated is because it get's all the underage girls in here to rub their bedazzled jean skirts against any crotch in a 2 yard radius. Well, I still have confidence that this party would be greatly improved if a little Interpol or Shout Out Louds was played. See, I just put it in. Oh shit, you were right, everyone's leaving. Oh well, is that guy still holding my spot behind the keg?

3) I bring up serious topics of conversation.

Hold on. I don't get it. Isn't a party at a friend's apartment swilling down Keystone Light, with everyone basically just trying to get laid listening to shitty music the perfect time to bring up a few current events? I mean, am I the only one who is worried about the AIDS epidemic in Africa or Iran's uranium enrichment program. Doesn't anyone at least want to bitch about how bad of a President Bush is? Do you mind if I introduce all the topics of conversation because they are the only ones I actually know anything about? Why is everyone walking away? Hey fuckers, I control the keg, you have to listen. I was thinking later in the night we could discuss if Jesus drank wine in his day, would he drink beer now? No, nobody?

4) I spend way too much time screaming into my cell phone.

Yeah, well it's a little hard to hear in here and surprisingly no one is really interested in talking to me anymore, and it's only 11:00. I have to give a bunch of friends directions. What about the people I "gave directions" to an hour ago? Uh, they'll be here soon. Fuck you, I was not just calling the Time and Temp lady only pretending to be talking to people! That's it, you drink last for the rest of the night.

5) For some reason, I think I deserve to cut in line for the bathroom.

Uh, do you mind if I just get in there real quick? I really gotta go. Oh, EVERYONE is about ready to piss themselves from chugging this weak-ass Keystone desperately trying to get a buzz? But I've done so much for this party already: I've been pouring drinks, DJ'ing, and having intelligent conversations with people! I deserve it, this party would just be another stupid kegger if it wasn't for me! What? A regular kegger is all you wanted to go to and I've been ruining it for you. Shit. Nobody appreciates me. Too bad I forgot my acoustic guitar, it always pulls serious ass and gets people to like me. Well, if I get to play the six songs I know.

So there you go kids, here's some simple ways to find me at your summer keg parties. If you can't find me by these behaviors, it's a pretty safe bet that I'm not wearing a shirt inside. Drink up and have a good summer.


If you liked this article by Johnny, you can sign up for a FREE DVD from his stand-up comedy group, The College Comedy Revolution, on their website, CollegeComedyRevolution.