When I'm off-duty, my knowledge as a building inspector is normally reserved for witty remarks regarding mold, and light jabs accusing friends of their outfits being too loud for a residential neighborhood. However, when I stumbled upon your schoolhouse/asylum (this is not a common combination. I looked it up), I simply couldn't stand idly by and watch our county's building codes so flagrantly shamed and abused. "Sir, I don't think you get it. This is a haunted house," may be words that would thwart a lesser building inspector, but I will not rest until your establishment is suitably up to code!
The following are violations I discovered:
There are workers running around with chainsaws. Areas of construction must be clearly labeled so as avoid possible civilian injury. I saw not one bright yellow safety pylon or cone to indicate a construction zone. Heck, the only caution tape I found was being used to gag the mouth of a shrieking skeleton.
The lighting throughout the building is unreliable at best. Whether fixtures were hanging precariously from the ceiling or the only source of light was an ominous glowing chasm in the floor (this is where those construction workers should be!) the building has some serious electrical compliance problems. The lights in Principal Bloodman's office were haphazardly blinking on and off making it seem as if I was moving in slow motion when, in fact, I was moving at my regular, carefully calculated, walking speed. Not only is this temporally confusing, it's only a matter of time before someone falls into the Principal's fine collection of skulls.
There is an alarming amount of fog inside your building. This is a first for me. I don't know if it's a problem with your pipes or your boiler room, but something is creating a weather phenomenon that should only occur outdoors. This is unacceptable. Buildings were created to provide havens from the horrible weather that the Earth unleashes on us in an attempt to convince us to seek another planet for existence. Either determine a way to stop the fog or stop referring to your school asylum as a building.
Your exit signs offer completely different paths of egress for "Humans" and "The Damned." Not only is this discriminatory and illegal, it would become disorienting during an emergency. If a fire were to occur (most likely in the Chemistry lab where spider webs are more prevalent than young minds), people seeking the exit would be thrown into a conundrum of which sign to follow! Those precious seconds could cost precious lives! Sir, whose side are you on? The fire's or ours?
Your school's pool is lacking hand rails, creating difficulty in entering and exiting the water. Also, it seems to be filled with blood not water.
Attached to your building are fake government notices. When I first saw the paper marking the school as condemned, I breathed a sigh of relief that our legal system was actually working. However, when I took a closer look at the notice, I realized it was a clever forgery! First of all, buildings can't be condemned due to having too many mummies (hence why museums still exist). Furthermore, Frank N. Stein, the supposed code enforcement officer responsible would be vastly overstepping his boundaries by not only condemning the building but also condemning anyone who reads the notice to a life of "spooky servitude." I spoke with Mr. Stein and he has no knowledge of ever signing this notice, once again confirming its spurious nature. Also, its odd font which used pumpkins for the letter "O" and scarecrows for "T," would only be used to condemn a barn or farmhouse.
These are just the most glaring violations I witnessed. I will give you until November 1st to clean up your act and return your schoolhouse asylum back to an honorable position in the community. Also, I would like to be refunded the $10 I paid to gain entry.
Boo McGhost, county building inspector.