Recent high school graduates, you should know that the transition from living at home to living at college is often difficult. Although it can be seriously eased by attending your local community college, there are still ways to help yourself adjust. In all likelihood, you're going to get to college and start thinking about how much fun all of the special people from home are having without you. This kind of homesickness is perfectly normal, but you can alleviate it in one simple way. You must turn all friends from home into enemies before leaving for college. That way, you're not longing to be home; instead, you're fearing that you may get lynched at Thanksgiving. Here's how:Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yes, you thought the two of you would be together forever. Well, you were going to break up at Thanksgiving anyway, so you might as well save yourself some wasted phone minutes now. Wait until you're having sex (you are having sex aren't you?), and after climaxing, hand her a note you had hidden in your mouth. It should read, "This has been fun and all, but I'm afraid I have to dump you. Also, you may have HPV. Love, Me. P.S. PSYCH! P.P.S. No, not really psych. Sorry." Pet: Cover your legs in meat tenderizer and make some small cuts around your calves, preferably perpendicular to the shin bone. Throw your legs into the saltwater tank where you keep your pet shark Mr. Teethy, and cry out in pain as he devours the flesh around your knees, each tooth ripping away huge chunks of flesh as it threshes back and forth. The muscle mass in your legs may never come back from the briny depths of his stomach, but at least you won't be sitting in your dorm room pining for you pet. He's a mean motherfucker, and you know that now. Other Kids From Your Town Going to the Same College: Lots of people get stuck in a rut if they go to college and just hang out with the other kids from their hometowns. You could ostracize yourself from these jerks one by one, but that would take up to a couple of hours. A better choice is to change all of the road signs between your home and your college of choice until they point to a completely different school. Like mice in a maze with only dead ends, their parents will become hopelessly lost when they try to drop their kids off at the wrong school, keeping them out of your hair. Phew, you took care of those losers, but don't worry about them. That college they ended up at? Harvard. Youth Minister: You're no longer an impressionable high schooler who will listen to any adult who tells you what to do, so it's time to break ties with your "buddy" the youth minister. Walk straight up to him as he gets out of his 1991 Ford Taurus and let him know that you were only going to his Bible study to get laid. Point out it obviously hasn't worked for either of you, although he had a ten year head start. When little virgin tears start to well in his eyes, give him something to cry about by kicking him. Then ask if he'll buy you some beer. Youth ministers will do anything to have the cool high school kids like them, so, hey, free six-pack!
Best Friend: Man, you guys have been best friends since the fourth grade, and now you're going to different colleges. Do you want to take an embarrassing, poorly made collage of photos of you two for your dorm wall? Of course not. Instead, look him dead in the eye and say, "You know how you're always complaining about not having a girlfriend. Well, the joke's on you. You have a girlfriend. Her name is Becky, and she's really hot. The joke's even more on you, though, because I've been sleeping with her behind your back for the last six months. You didn't even know, you oblivious fucking chump." He'll be elated, then devastated, then dead. (I'm assuming you're going to stab him after this exchange. Why else are you holding that pitchfork, Grant Wood?) Parents: Nobody's harder to say goodbye to than your parents. They've been so good to you, and now that you're growing up, they're starting to feel more like your best friends than your parents. Well, you'd be surprised how quickly they change their tune when you plow the family station wagon into the front of a convenience store and then flee the scene. After a few months of hiding out in the woods as a fugitive, emerging by moonlight to forage for food in Taco Bell trashcans, you'll see your mom's crying face on TV. "Please come home! We don't care what you did! We love you." It's a fucking trap. She's in cahoots with the Feds. Your home will never be safe again.
For more handy tips on getting ready for college, consult The CollegeHumor Guide to College