13 Tips for New Ghosts

If you are reading this then congratulations: you're a ghost! The following is a selection of tips and tricks compiled from centuries of experience on how to properly and efficiently "ghost." On most things we know as little about humans as they know about us, but of these following thirteen things we're totally sure.
 

  1. Move only small, insignificant objects to have a subtle but psychologically crushing effect on your subject.

 

  1. Humans universally fear mirrored medicine cabinets. Get up right behind them to see their crazy faces when it closes.

 

  1. The first time a ghost knocked into a human carrying a stack of plates, it was an accident. Now it's a tradition. Crash! Crash! Ha ha ha!

 

  1. If a human man in a black robe tries to sprinkle you with liquid from a vial, DO NOT let him. We're not sure what it is but they take it very seriously so it could be something gross like boogers.

 

  1. When a subject uses an audio recording device, speak very low and slow, and only use a handful of words at a time. We suggest "henhouse" or "turtle chesting". It doesn't have to be scary or make sense as long as you say it slow enough.

 

  1. Humans do not use cabins like we use cabins (as community theaters).

 

  1. Ghosts pride themselves on perfect attendance. If you're sick and absolutely must skip work the next day, let your subject family know by pulling one of them from their bed and giving them a good toss.

 

  1. Until recently, it was believed that VHS tapes were the most advanced hauntable technology, but the humans have made major advances with their latest invention, the Walkman.

 

  1. Be sure to have many techniques in your haunting tool kit. Consider manifesting in the physical realm as a bright light or planting a sleeper demon in the brain of the subject that lies dormant for years before emerging violently at an already awkward birthday party.

 

  1. Remember: before receiving your Ghosting Certificate, you must complete two Student Ghosting placements, one at a rural farmhouse and one at de-funded college theater.

 

  1. Old record players: yes! Old houses: yes! Old septic tanks: no.

 

  1. Allow your subjects to think that outside the house, or daytime, is a safe zone, just so you can eventually take that away from them too.

 

  1. Due to some strange law of human psychology, humans seem to only be aware of us after seeing a horror movie or after watching a Travel Channel Haunted America special. Check your subject's local listings and be there. Heck, sit on the couch next to them and say things just low enough for them to think they heard something. We're not the type to dish out bonus points, but, damn, that'd be creepy.