5 Practical Uses for Your Old JackoLantern

 

Finding a practical use for that jack-o-lantern after Halloween can be tricky, but the easiest thing to do is just leave it to rot on your front porch. This also happens to be one of the most resourceful, as it works as a perfect deterrent for warding off unwelcomed guests. Simply leave the discarded pumpkin where it lay and with each passing day it will become more grotesque, deterring Jehovah's witnesses, local politicians or the drunken girl who left her iPhone at your Halloween party from bothering you. Free iPhone, score!

 

  5 Practical Uses for Your Old JackoLantern

 

Why throw the pumpkin in the garbage when you can transform that garbage into valuable fertilizer?! Simply dump the old pumpkin carcass in the dirt, sprinkle in some of the rotten eggs leftover from your vandalism the night before and leave the pile to rot.  In a few days you'll have a robust pile of organic compost. "But I don't garden, so what do I do with my compost pile?" Good question, gather up your compost and offer it as a romantic gesture to that cute hipster girl/guy at the organic food co-op. If they reject your gift and romantic advances, just dump it on the hood of their smart car and run away.

 

5 Practical Uses for Your Old JackoLantern

Pumpkins are great for carving and decorating, but what Martha Stewart won't tell you is that they're also terrific for getting stoned. Nothing beats a good DIY high with pumpkin spice flavor. Your friends will be impressed with your MacGyver-like creativity and you'll be blazed out of your gourd until Thanksgiving.

  5 Practical Uses for Your Old JackoLantern

 

"Pumpkins can't be used as soccer ball, dummy!" Oh, don't be so quick to judge, friend. It's a little known fact* that Native Americans actually used pumpkins in a pick-up game of soccer with the Pilgrims after the first Thanksgiving. Everybody was having fun until one of the Pilgrims cracked the pumpkin open with his buckle shoe and ruined the game for everyone. Naturally, he was burned alive as punishment.  Add some fall flavor to your soccer game by substituting a soccer ball with an old jack-o-lantern, first person to accidently crack the pumpkin gets shunned for the rest of the day.

 

5 Practical Uses for Your Old JackoLantern 

This post-Halloween activity actually combines a previous holiday - the Fourth of July. Simply take those old fireworks that have been sitting around since the summer and shove them into every possible orifice of your jack-o-lantern.  Light it up, step back and watch the autumn pyro show begin. When finished, simply refer to tips #1 or #2 with your charred jack-o-lantern. Congrats, you've just hacked the hell out of that useless old pumpkin and very likely made enemies with everyone in the neighborhood. Kudos.

 

* Not fact at all, just the author's horribly inappropriate historical inaccuracy.