I was one of those girls who embraced the shame in the walk of shame.
I found the walk through the University of Michigan Diag wearing high heels and mascara at 8am completely mortifying. Sadly, most of the time, I wasn't even getting laid. I just liked to dress up in skanky clothes and pull all-nighters at the library hoping to snag myself a nerdy college boy who would soon become a lawyer or a scientist and buy me expensive food.
Yet even after the nights I spent alone in the library stacks reading about how Hitler came to power in 1933, I was still ashamed walking back to my dorm room because I thought people thought I was getting laid.
Walking home after the nights I actually slept over at some guy's place, regardless of what I did or didn't do, was even worse. I felt embarrassed and guilty as I walked back to my dorm room. "Oh my god," I thought. "People are staring at me. They think I'm slutty!"
Ladies, (and sensitive men) don't' be like me.
It is 2006, let's rename the walk of shame. Let's name it something more appropriate and fun.
Here are some options to choose from:
The Happy Promenade
The Early Morning Saunter
The Slut Strut:
(Yes the word slut is negative as in "That slut with the fake tits is freak dancing with my boyfriend" but the word Strut cancels out all negativity and makes the word slut totally positive. For example: "Whoo hoo, I'm such a slut! Look at me strutting across campus after a night of pleasure with a man I might date or might decide to never call again. Yay!")
The Postcoital Stroll
The Self Satisfied Stride
For those of you taking it slow:
The Morning Make Out March
For those of you hooking with Jewish boys:
The Sex Schlep
For those of you that are athletic:
The Jog of Joy
For those of you wealthy enough to afford cabs:
The Post Ride Ride
And my favorite, and choice for universal domination:
The Happy Clit and Tits Trot
So, if you're walking home to your dorm room at 11am wearing a sequined tube top, glitter eye shadow crusted in the crease of your liner smudged eyes, your thong shoved into the zipper compartment of your purse, and your body smelling like cheap beer and AXE Body Spray, walk with confidence. Hold your head up high, smile at all the people who stare at you, and don't be afraid to shout out,
"I GOT LAID LAST NIGHT!"
"I CAME THREE TIMES!"
"I ALMOST CAME!"
"I GOT HIM DRUNK AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM!"
"I WAS A COCK TEASE, AND I STILL GOT HIS NUMBER!"
"HE FELL ASLEEP DURING SEX, BUT WE STILL SPOONED!"
"HE FELLATED ME AND THEN I PRETENDED TO PASS OUT!"
"I JUST HOOKED UP WITH MY CRUSH!"
"GUESS WHAT, I GIVE AWESOME HEAD!"
"I GOT SOME ASS LAST NIGHT! WOO HOO!"
So be smart, and safe, and confident, and in control, and for god's sakes, take the shame out of the walk of shame.
Mindy is in no way advocating that women have casual sex with men who wear AXE Body Spray.
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