The 9 Biggest Changes to College Football Next Season

As you've probably heard, beginning next season college football will determine a national champion with a playoff system, ending years of imperfect plans, like rankings and the Bowl Championship series. The playoff system will include 256 top-level college teams, requiring the creation of 137 new teams, and, of course, 137 new colleges, thus diminishing the importance of a college degree in today's evolving job market.

 

After a winning team is declared by a fair playoff, the team will be broken down into its 64 players, then seeded 1 through 64, according to statistics. Then, each of the 64 players will square off in a bracket system in a one-on-one football tournament to crown the individually best football player. (There will literally be a crown). At that point, the body cells of that player will battle against one another for dominance. The one cell that remains is thusly declared the National Champion of College Football.

 

To decide who gets to call the coin toss, a best-of-9 series of coin tosses will take place at midnight, atop the nearest mountain to the football stadium, the Wednesday night before each game. ESPN2 will broadcast these.

 

Computer rankings will still be used to rank teams, for the Computer must be appeased.

 

All teams must wear identical pink uniforms at all times so as to bring about awareness of breast cancer, which is the reason college football was started in the 1920s. Also because it's hilarious to see gigantic, macho 20-year-old linebackers wear pink. Exempt from the Uniform Rule is the University of Oregon, who will don new, Nike-designed-and-funded uniforms upon every first down.

 

All the recent conference-hopping and conference-merging will end, with the creation of a single conference, the SunPacBig12TenACCUSAACMACMWCSE. Why the need for different conferences, anyway? We're all brothers, right?

 

Among a number of new bowl games is The Holy Bowl. To be played annually on Christmas Day, between Brigham Young University and Notre Dame, the winning team's players, coaches, and their families get into Heaven. The losers suffer an eternity of torment, including agonizing wailing, and the gnashing of teeth, in Hell.

 

Every first string player gets a window decal of Calvin peeing on a basketball.

 

Players still paid nothing, if by nothing you mean a mostly complete degree in Communications from Arizona State with a 1.8 GPA and a lifetime of physical and emotional problems brought on by repeated blows to the head.