Seriously, you know she's feeling you. She sat down at your table. Chatted up you and your boys. Asked why you were all wearing suits, then offered a cute, throaty laugh when you said you did it for her.

True, you're 3 gallons of swill deep and there's hot sauce on your chin, but there's no question about it.

The Hooters girl wants you like Bush wanted Baghdad.

"I mean, how could she not?" You rhetorically ask your willy while pissing for the fourth time that night. Bob Seger's "Against the Wind" is playing in the bathroom, and you moonwalk over from the sink to the air dryer. While drying your hands, you pantomine like you're a holding a huge magic eight-ball against your crotch.

"Will I be tickling guts tonight? The Magic Left-ball says…Without a doubt. Oh Fuck yeah!"

You juke right, fake a cross-over back left, then go airborne to let-off an imaginary jump shot. Your aim — as always — is true.

You fix the knot on the only tie you own, and squeeze blackheads from your nose in the mirror.

"Bitch is feeeeeeling me, bro! C'mon. How hard did she laugh when she brought over the last pitcher, and I said 'Lemme get 4 straws for this'?"

"That shit was sooo gangster, son!!!"

You chuckle then abruptly cut it short when you realize it's like the seventh time you talked like Dave Chapelle that night.

Then it hits you. You've got a crush on the Hooters chick. But it's more than just a: 'I wanna plow this girl out then exchange numbers in the parking lot at 3am." – kind of crush. Then it hits you again. Do I want to be that guy that 'dates' the Hooters chick?

Oh yes. Yes you do.

Now let me tell you why:

Hooters girls understand men better than any subset of women on this planet. Specifically, they know exactly what we want: food, booze, and a hard-on. But most importantly, they know that's ALL we want. That's it. No Sex-in-the-City marathons on TBS, no apple picking dates on a crisp fall day, no $200+ checks at some uber-trendy Sushi restaurant. She knows you hate that shit. And she's totally cool with it, because she hates it to.

Even better, she treats men as objects. Objects to be exploited for personal gain. Which is exactly how you treat women. A relationship founded upon mutual exploitation has been scientifcally proven to be the most stable — a veritable covalent bond for sexual intimacy — as well as the most kinky, and well…simply the best. Just ask Tina and Ike.

Speaking of science, a research team from the University of Colorado-Boulder recently concluded a longitudinal study on the pyschological affect of Hooters girls. The results: Hooters girls were 7 times more likely than their peers to engage in threesomes with a co-worker. They were also twenty times more likely than the general population to report being able to orgasm while performing fellatio.

Science, gentlemen. It ain't just equations and graduated cylinders. It's high value intel that's indispensable for any serious squirrel poacher.

Her vocation alone offers hundreds of hints about her personality. For instance, if she's willing to wear orange booty shorts and scandalously low-cut tank tops to pay for out-of-state tuition, she'll probably be cool with wearing your varsity letterman jacket while she orals you.

Which is nice, because it'll spare you from the shame of having to explain to a customs agent at JFK why you've got a stolen high school football helmet and a varsity jacket in your luggage from a weekend trip to Bangkok.

Maybe even better than that is the fact that her job requires her to maintain an unhealthy weight. For the first time in your pathetically short dating career, you don't have to be that jerk boyfriend who's forced to drop subtle hints to encourage her to unfatten her fat self. Hints like "I didn't hear you throw up last night. Did you forget?" will be a thing of the past!!

Then there's the effect this relationship will have on your family, and those around you. All of which, are positive —

*Your mother will shun you, and stop calling you on sunday mornings when you're miserably hungover.

*Your sister will be pissed cause your dating her co-worker. She will also stop calling you.

*Your dad will no longer regret being too broke for an abortion. He will continue to pay for your rent.

*Your friends will worship at the altar of your virility. (And maybe forget about the time you slept with that Kappa chick nicknamed "The Sea Donkey)

*Your arresting officer will find great irony in arresting his favorite hooters girl's boyfriend.

But maybe the best thing about dating a Hooters girl is when she comes home from a shift, she'll smell like hot wings and beer.

And that's a beautiful thing. Definitely a thing worth getting teased for.