By Hallie Cantor
Rule 1. The first to claim a stall in hopes of pooping (henceforth known as the primary pooper) shall have the right to poop in privacy.
Rule 2. All others who enter seeking to poop shall, upon discovery of the primary pooper, pretend they were just coming into the bathroom to wash their hands and leave immediately after doing so.
Corollary 2a. They are then permitted to stand outside the bathroom and look at their phone until the primary pooper exits, although they should be warned that everyone who walks by will know exactly what they are doing.
Rule 3. In the case of a women's restroom, if the secondary pooper is uncertain whether a stall is occupied by a primary pooper or someone simply peeing, the presumed secondary pooper may enter a stall and assume the pooping position. If the first stall's occupant is peeing, they may finish and leave the bathroom at a respectfully efficient pace. If the first stall's occupant does not produce peeing noises within 30 seconds, it shall be assumed that she is the primary pooper, and the secondary pooper must leave (in accordance with Rule 2).
Corollary 3a. To save face before leaving her stall, the secondary pooper may make some tampon-related noises (e.g. opening and closing the box designated for the disposal of feminine products) to provide some explanation for her poop- and pee-noise-free time in the stall.
Rule 4. In the case of a men's restroom, when the pooper finishes pooping, he must get self-conscious about it and put the toilet seat up so everyone else thinks he was peeing. If he was indeed peeing, however, he must put the toilet seat down as a common courtesy. This way, everything is meaningless.
Rule 5. All who enter seeking to pee may, upon discovery of a primary pooper, pee, wash their hands, and leave immediately. Lingering to chat with another pee-er, check one's makeup, or god forbid attempt discussion with the primary pooper is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
Rule 6. If a primary pooper has monopolized the bathroom for over ten minutes, their rightful claim to the bathroom shall be dissolved and a new pooper may enter a stall with intent to poop. The original pooper must hurry the hell up and vacate the bathroom (in accordance with Rule 2).
Corollary 6a. If the original pooper is suffering from a digestive problem severe enough that they "don't f*cking care, just make it stop," they may remain in their stall, having forfeited their right to isolation from the poop sounds and smells of a secondary pooper.
Rule 7. If a pooper and a pee-er (or a secondary pooper, in certain cases - see Corollary 6a) should leave their stalls at the same time to wash their hands, there shall be no eye contact or acknowledgement of each other's presence whatsoever.