Welcome to the Tunnel of Love, the only dating show that takes place inside your mind every single time you take public transportation! I'm your internal monologue, and let's meet today's contestants!
Bachelor #1 is the first person you see in your general age range, give or take 15 years, and hey, he's wearing something that isn't horrible!
Actually, yeah, cool shirt. You feel like that's kind of how you would dress if you were a guy. Plaid shirt, but not TOO plaid-y, you know.
No weird facial hair, that's a plus, cool glasses that aren't excessively hipster-y, normal shoes, non-shiny straight-leg jeans without holes in them, OMG he has a carabiner in his belt loop we could never be together.
Moving on to Bachelor #2, the guy in the suit who just gave up his seat for a pregnant lady. 2 points for chivalry, Bachelor #2!
Yeah, you could date a guy who wears suits. You should date a guy who wears suits. A real man. Bet he puts the toilet seat down and everything.
Ooooh, now he's pulling out a book. Please not some weird German philosophy book. Or like Dostoyevsky or something; you don't want to date someone that much smarter than you.
Let's just check the cov--annnnd it's Atlas Shrugged. Tough break for Bachelor Number Two. That's an automatic disqualification, but we're not gonna send him home empty-handed. As a consolation prize, he'll receive this dirty look as you passive aggressively shove him with your handbag.
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Loneliness and Your Commute to Work have been making the public transportation dating game possible since you had your first breakup in a city where you don't know a lot of people. Loneliness and Your Commute to Work: the unhappiness brands you can count on.
And we're back! Bachelor #3 is gonna be the one, you can feel it. It's the lanky guy a few feet away with the gym bag. It's so important to be with someone who's physically active.
And hey, what a cute face! Couple pimples, but no one's perfect. Oh my god, he just looked at you. Was it an interested-in-you look or was it a looking-at-everyone-because-there's-literally-nowhere-else-to-look look?
He's so sweet, with his little gym bag that says John F. Kennedy High School oh my god he's in high school, he's clearly 15 years old, how did you not notice this you perverted cradle-robbing weirdo? Stop looking at him. Stop looking at him! TURN AWAY.
His consolation prize is your turning away.
And that means we're left with just Bachelor #1 headed into the lightning round! Here on Tunnel of Love, the lightning round consists of as many fast-paced red-flag eliminations as you can think of before the next stop. And we'll start the clock...now!
Is he touching someone who is obviously his significant other? No!
Is he loudly talking about something offensive to a friend? No!
Is he listening to music through headphones loudly enough that you can hear it? No!
Is he sitting down even though there are elderly or pregnant passengers standing right in front of him? No!
Does he smell bad enough that other passengers are keeping their distance? No!
Annnnd that's time! Bachelor #1 has survived the lightning round, and that means he is today's big winner! Maybe you can throw away that carabiner when he's sleeping.
Time to give him a smile and show him what he's won: your heart!
Oh, he got off.