Hello 911? I am calling to report a disturbance in my neighborhood. There is a drunk person on my front yard. Yes, I know who it is. It's Meryl Streep.

Yes, Academy Award-winning actress Meryl Streep. It's definitely her. Yes, I'm sure! How do I know? You think Meryl Streep can just show up drunk on my lawn and I wouldn't be able to tell, "Hey, that's Meryl Streep and it looks like she's had a few too many?" I have no idea how she got here but she's sprawled out on my lawn! She's awake. She's thrashing around a little bit.

The Queen? No, you're thinking of Helen Mirren. Meryl was in The Iron Lady. No, Meryl would never do a show on FX; that's Glenn Close. We're talking about Meryl Streep. The Devil Wears Prada, Kramer vs. Kramer, Meryl Streep. Ugh, yes, from Mamma Mia

She doesn't look injured. She looks... I mean she looks great. For her age and everything. We'd all be lucky to look as good as she does. I love that she hasn't had any work done and is aging naturally. Good for her for not becoming a victim to the impossible standards of Hollywood. You know, it's ridiculous the things that women inject into their bodies and for what? To please men like me? Like I care! Hello?  

Listen, I don't mind her being here. I love watching her. I called 911 because I didn't know what else to do. No, I haven't tried talking to her. I get nervous around celebrities. What would I even say to her? "Hiya Meryl, I'm Dan!" God, I sound so stupid. She won't even remember this! She is rolling around my front yard with a bottle of what I can only assume is a very nice red wine and wearing a thoroughly grass-stained bathrobe and I can't even muster up the courage to go talk to her. I'm going to do it. Hold on.

Hey Meryl...

Hey, um, Ms. Streep? Meryl?...

Oh God, she sees me! She's coming toward the house! I've got to lock the door. Because it's a mess in here! I can't have Meryl Streep see me living like this! Chinese food boxes are everywhere. She'll see all of the canvases I never painted. I'm watching a DVR'ed episode of Shark Tank!

She's pounding on the door, but she's doing it with such grace. How can she be such a mess and so composed at the same time? No, I'm not scared. I just really connect with the pain she's feeling. I feel it like it's my pain. How does she do that? She's so great.

Okay, yes, send a squad car over, but if any pictures of this end up on TMZ, so help me I will write down every badge number. I will not have you dragging my Meryl through the mud. She's drunk, that's all. She's better than all of us and this doesn't change anything.