Social Media Background Check

  1.  
  2. A nervous job applicant in his early 20s exits an office after an interview. Immediately after he leaves, the two staff members who interviewed him rush into an express elevator that takes them to a secret room far below the surface of the earth. When the elevator opens they are in a large data center complete with wall to wall screens and teams of analysts plugging away at computers. Interviewers 1 and 2 sit in two high-tech swivel chairs overlooking the rows of researchers.
  3. Interviewer 1

    Ok team! This guy has all the necessary qualifications, appears to be relatively sociable, and didn't bomb the interview.

  4. Interviewer 2

     I know it sounds bad, but no matter how "team oriented" or  "motivated" he is in the real world, somewhere online there exists evidence that he is a horrible person who is unfit to work for this giant cooperation. If anyone can find it, its us. Come on, what's our motto?

  5. All

    Embarrassing pictures, offensive posts, denying people jobs is what we like most!

  6. Interviewer 2

    Fuck yea it is! Picture team, what have you got?

  7. Picture Analyst

    Nothing of note yet. Nephew's birthday, volunteering in Guatemala, graduation... Wait! It looks like we've got some possible underage drinking in this photo from 2011.

  8. A photo pops up on the projector screen of the applicant holding a can of Joose at a party that appears to be taking place in someones parents house.
  9. Interviewer 1

    Gross! Joose. That stuff is clearly marketed to high school students. Think we've got him?

  10. Interviewer 2

    Wait, cross check the date of the photo with the birthdate on his profile.

  11. Picture Analyst

    Shit! This was from his 21st birthday!

  12. Interviewer 1

    We can work with this. Go deeper into the album. If we are going to find any dirt on this motherfucker its going to be here.

  13. Pictures begin disappearing from the page.
  14. Interviewer 2

    What's going on? Where are the pictures going?

  15. Picture Analyst

    Oh my god! He's untagging them as we speak!

  16. Interviewer 1

    That crafty bastard! We need to move fast. Video team, what's your status!

  17. Video Analyst

    We've got a video of him dancing at a bar. Its pretty brutal to watch. He is the only one on the dance floor and he is double fisting pbr tallboys while singing along to a Journey song. Everyone is laughing and filming it.

  18. Interviewer 1

    Ha, what an asshole!

  19. Interviewer 2

    Its bad, but we need something that sticks!

  20. Video Analyst

    Hold up. He made a rap video! For a song he recorded in high school!

  21. Interviewer 2

    This could be it. Lets check it out.

  22. Interviewer 1

    Lame, lame, lame. Its embarrassing but its not full on racist. Does he say the N word in the video?

  23. Video Analyst

    Our computers say no... Wait! It's an educational rap about the Krebs cycle that he made for his bio class!

  24. Interviewer 2

    Damn! We can't deny him just because he is a dork! Social team, please tell me you have something!

  25. Social Analyst

    Like picture team said, hes been good at covering his tracks. We've had to go back a ways, but I think we are onto something.

  26. A myspace page appears on the large screen. The background is a gif of Bob Marley smoking a giant joint.
  27. Interviewer 1

    Good. keep digging deep.

  28. Social Analyst

    Its not looking good. Just lots of unanswered messages to girls who are way out of his league. Oh, and he is still listening to LMFAO on Spotify.

  29. Interviewer 1

    Come on! We know this guy is a loser, but we need definitive proof that he is unfit to be exploited by our massive, soulless company!

  30. Interviewer 2

    Hey, call me crazy, but why don't we just hire this guy? We haven't found anything yet and he seems alright to me.

  31. Interviewer 1 gets out of his chair and slaps the shit out of interviewer 2.
  32. Interviewer 1

    Have you lost your mind? Hire a recent college graduate? Haven't you seen all the videos and articles about millennials in the workplace!?! The cost of training just one incompetent, self important, no talent, twentysomething douche would bankrupt our whole company! I heard about a study where they gave a millennial the choice between oxygen and Facebook likes! Guess what? That fucker is DEAD!

  33. Interviewer 2

    Jesus, you're right... We need to work fast!

  34. Social Analyst

    Oh my god, I think I found it! Its a comment on a Facebook post from 2008.

  35. The post is put up on the main screen. The third comment down, written by the applicant, reads "Stfu fag."
  36. Interviewer 1

    A god damned homophobe! We can't hire that scum! Job application denied!

  37. All

    (Cheering!)

  38. Champagne pops, streamers rain down, and everybody hugs and high fives.
  39. Interviewer 2

    Should I send out the blacklist notification?

  40. Interviewer 1

    Send it out to every city in the western world! Lets bury this motherfucker!

  41. All

    (Chanting) Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy!

  42. Interviewer 2

    Should I send him an email telling him that he didn't get the job?

  43. Interviewer 1

    (In a sarcastic, mocking, voice) Of course! I don't want to get his hopes up!

  44. All

    (Laughing)