Good evening everyone and welcome. I'm Melissa von Doinkel --
And I'm Mike Tuxedo, and we are here in front of that one cheap bar in your hometown that doesn't card, and spirits are high on this night before Thanksgiving.
Yes, it's the night when the biggest stars from your high school strut their stuff to show everybody just how cool they've become since leaving for college and becoming grownups. Now, the stage is set, the cheap beer is flowing --
-- and everyone's been home making exhausting eye contact with their parents for a few hours now, so they're all more than ready to get out of the house and around some other people who look at their phones nonstop.
Absolutely, Mike. And here comes our first star of the evening now. It's the guy from your senior year homeroom who made "that's what she said" jokes after anything the teacher said.
Hi, how are you?
So who are you wearing tonight?
My hoodie is from my college bookstore, and my pants are old ones from high school that I left at my parents' house and am wearing tonight because I didn't bring any clothes home from college for the weekend.
Well, you look amazing. Have fun tonight! Mike?
Thanks Melissa. I'm here with your sister's old soccer teammate, who we haven't seen in a couple years at this event. Tell me, what projects have you been working on recently?
I've been studying really hard to apply to med school. But I'm really excited because I just found out that I got in, at-
No one cares, so great to see you! Melissa?
Well, I'm standing just outside the entrance to the bar and let me tell you, Mike, the place is buzzing with energy. From where I'm standing I can spot the one "cool" teacher who thinks he's friends with all the kids, and I also see the guy who ate his boogers on a dare sophomore year. Aww, it looks like he brought his mom as his date, which is always so sweet. What's happening down at your end of the sidewalk, Mike?
Melissa, I'm here with the girl whose locker was alphabetically next to yours for four years but who you haven't spoken to or thought about once since graduation.
Now, what are your expectations for tonight?
Gosh, you know, I'll probably have a few drinks to calm my anxiety about being essentially back in high school for the night, accidentally get too drunk, and then make out with my lab partner from AP Chemistry.
Will you be very disappointed if you don't hook up with him?
Oh, no, you know, it's an honor just to be flirted with.
Well, we're all pulling for you. Melissa?
That's a beautiful sentiment, Mike. And I think I can see that lab partner now...Yes, it looks like tonight he's wearing his normal clothes because he's been living at home trying to find a job and he goes to this bar every night.
Just another night for him, Melissa.
I'm making my way through the crowd now, if I can get past the Instagram paparazzi that's gathered around her, to the girl from your driver's ed class who has a baby now, and we're all wondering - yep, she did it, she brought her baby to the bar. Ladies and gentlemen, if getting pregnant at 20 wasn't enough evidence for you, it's official: this is a terrible mother.
Thanks so much, thank you--
Of course. If I could cut you off for just a moment, this is very exciting, we're going now live to Melissa who's standing with the popular girl from your class who was always really mean to everyone for no reason.
That's right, it's so great to see you again, Mean Girl. Tell us: are you still as mean as you were in high school?
Uuuuuum...that was a really weird question? Like, why do you care?
Oh, sorry, um...so are you guys gonna be at the bar for a while? Maybe I'll catch up with you later...?
You two are SO WEIRD. I can't believe you're like, standing outside the bar talking about everyone instead of going inside like normal people. You're even gayer than you were in high school.
(quietly) Well, that's gonna about do it for our red-carpet coverage tonight. I'm Melissa von Doinkel.
And I'm Mike Tuxedo. Have a happy Thanksgiving.