Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
President Obama Needs a New Theme Song
November 28, 2013
You could really use a new theme song. That business you're walking out to now, "Hail to the Chief," is just so dated, so
hundreds. Know what I'm saying? You need something fresh. An anthem that gets panties droppin' and bodies poppin' and prepares the people of the United States of America for a reasonable discussion on the merits of a strong healthcare system for the working class.
This song is so...so...SICK! And holy shit, it has "sickness" right there in the title, which totally enforces your ideals about previous healthcare policies! Down with them! Down with the sickness and up with affordable, quality health insurance!
And also, "OOOH AH AH AH AH!"
Anything. A high five? A pat on the back? Or maybe a single acknowledgement that you've at least done something right during your two terms in office? YES, YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN!
Rumor has it that Dave Grohl wrote this song as a tribute to John Kerry during the 2004 presidential race. But John Kerry didn't win, you did. So fuck him. Take the song and reapprorpriate it for a real winner.
Hey, Senator Lindsay Graham: Why you all in my ear? Talkin' a whole bunch of shit that I ain't tryin' to hear? Get back, motherfucker! You don't know me like that!
Hey, Rand Paul: I ain't playin' around. Make one false move, I'll take ya down! Get back, motherfucker! You don't know me like that!
And those are just a couple of examples of how that might work.
The version with the morbidly obese Hawaiian guy playing the ukelele whose name I cannot even spell well enough to do a Google search for it.
The optimistic tone would help put you and the American public at ease, while the island vibe would provide a subtle nod to your "birthplace." (Ha ha! Remember that? Those were simpler times.)
OK, I know that having TWO options from Jay-Z is a little predictable since he's your boy and all, and that using a Hova track after that whole Cuba mini-controversy might not be the best way to go, but this song just GETS YOU, doesn't it? It's almost like Jay wrote this song FOR you!
Wait...did Jay-Z write this song for you?
Just to remind everyone of that time you made panties all over America drop to the floor during a fundraising speech. A FUNDRAISING SPEECH. There's no way such a smooth dude should be walking out to the same theme song as Gerald fucking Ford!
Right? I mean, the title is pretty obvious, but five years of this shit obviously has you feeling a little disconnected and groggy. If you're going to go with a Linkin Park song (and why wouldn't you?) it should probably be this one.
Ooh! Or how about the version that mashes up with Jay-Z's "Encore"?
OK SERIOUSLY TELL ME, ARE YOU THE TOPIC OF ALL JAY-Z SONGS?
This one's all like, "Yay! You like me! You really, really like me!" Even if they really, really don't. Which is a strong possibility at this point.
Seriously, where is it? It seems like it was just here, doesn't it? There's no way you could have possibly lost it all already. Did you store some of the love in a safe, so you could ration it at a later time? Because that would have been a great idea for 2008 Barack Obama to have.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.