For some reason, whenever a group of guys get together and have more than three drinks, they think it's a great idea to dry hump the ever loving shit out of each other. Of course, it's also usually the most homophobic guy who drunkenly rubs their junk on the closest dude to them. I should also mention that this is specifically a repressed white frat guy tendency. I've never seen a group of black guys grinding on each other to Bon Jovi. The next time a bro decides to awkwardly dry hump his best friend, I think the one being pummeled should turn around and whisper very gently, "I love you," just to see what happens.
Jimmy Buffet covers sober? The saddest night of your life. Jimmy Buffet covers drunk? The best Senior Frogs vacation ever. The only way to make going out to a crowded bar to listen to Marron π, Tickleback, Hootie and the Slowfish, or any other lame cover band tolerable, is with ten shots of well vodka, sedatives and a bar fight.
Yep, there is no better time to call your mom to talk about her recent hat choices, or your dad to ask about his reinsurance office party than when you're seven High Lifes deep. If calling you're parents is emotionally draining sober, then the deciding to phone them wasted makes sense, until you drunkenly forget who you are talking to and ask for a tit pic.
Those three Mike's Hard Lemonades really got you thinking, "Am I the next Bob Dylan?" And the answer is yes you are, if Bob Dylan is the name of a different songwriter who sucks at writing songs. Just because you looked at the moon and have a buzz on doesn't mean you're going to be fighting off Grammys. If getting drunk makes you think about your ex-girlfriend do everybody a favor and instead of writing down lyrics like, "The heat is hard, I'm not your Hallmark Card, thanks for the pizza, I blame you Lisa," act like the rest of us and throw up and go to bed.
I mean why wouldn't you post on a Fracking message board? You've had six Jager bombs and stepped on a bunch of broken bar glass. Of course people will take your opinions seriously with the username, PEN15&%^??What?.
Here's how one of those posts went:
FRACKNO: The fracturing fluid that is pumped into our small towns and farms damages the economic and ecological sustainability of our basic way of life.
PEN15&%^??What?: IM peeing....ajjhhhhhhh!!!!!! Hahahh, do yo..u hve burgers?
Normally, you lack the courage and the confidence to walk up to the pretty girl at the bar and ask if she wants a drink. But now that you've had seven Admiral Nelson and Cokes you are more than ready to stumble up to her with that totally hammered deadeye stare of a catatonic alcoholic with no future, and slur whisper the three words every lady wants to hear, "Bud Light Lime?"
This is the one that does the most harm to humanity by far. Four beers in and everybody is Adele. There is nothing more painful than watching a group of very smashed 20-somethings huddle around their douchey friend Brad as he wales out Radiohead's "Creep," which sounds like a turkey being strangled.
I've definitely gotten the kind of drunk where I think four miles equals four minutes of walking. Two hours and seven Taco Bell stops later, I blew $60 on Crunch Wrap Supremes and scratch-off lottery tickets. And for some reason my big toe was bleeding. Couples that say they will just walk after a night out, never make it home because they broke up five times on the way.
No bender is complete without pizza, and if you're lucky breadsticks. But for those who have been caught in a situation where pizza is not available, you have to make due and it's not pretty. Anyone who's in a pizza desert type situation often ends up forging for dirty snack scraps in the back of a 7/11. You come dangerously close to even saying yes to their shriveled sausages on the slow cooking rollers, which is like saying yes to Clint Eastwood's nut sack. I've eaten entire bags of Doritos flavors that are illegal in most democracies because I didn't have pizza, and that's why you should always keep a spare garlic bread and mozzarella chunk in your glove box.
Drinking always gives people way too much confidence but this is especially true about your bank account. You're drunk intuition says, "Only $25 in my account, that means that I have just enough money for $50 worth of drinks." After you leave the bar, make sure you go home and spend your little remaining credit card balance on the anything thing you see eBay. I mean, who doesn't need a ghost's cane?