What You Say To A Drunk Person And What They Actually Hear

 

What You Say:

Hi. Nice to meet you! 

What They Actually Hear:

Hi. Nice meet you. Please act overly familiar with me and over share as though we were already friends. 

 

What You Say:

I want you to meet my friend, [Insert Name Of The Speaker's Romantically Preferred Gender]!

What They Actually Hear:

I want you to meet my friend, [Insert Name Of The Speaker's Romantically Preferred Gender]! As I'm sure you've already assumed I'm secretly in love with them. Help me! Please do what I never could and jumpstart our romance. You're my only hope! 

 

What You Say:

Hey, I think you might need to pace yourself a little. 

What They Actually Hear:

Shots? 

 

What You Say:

I think that political discourse in this country has taken a turn for the worse. 

What They Actually Hear:

I'm a big boring jerk. Just nod along with me and pretend you're following this conversation. 

 

What You Say:

I'm actually going through a hard time right now, and I really need someone to talk to. 

What They Actually Hear:

We should totally order chicken wings right now. 

 

What You Say:

Hey, can you pass me those chips? 

What They Actually Hear:

Hey, can you pass me those chips? I'm not sure you can because you're such a drunken loser. Everyone here hates you and you should start sulking. 

 

What You Say:

I think maybe it would be best if you left. 

What They Actually Hear:

I'm testing our friendship right now. Insist on staying and prove that you love me.