The 5 Types of Thanksgivings Your Friends Will Have


"My Nana's sweet potato casserole is the bomb!"

 

You're looking at a physical phenomenon. How could a human have gained this much weight in one week?  Upon further investigation you realize that this friend's mom prides herself on her "home cooking," turning every meal into a practice round for the big show that is Thanksgiving. All of her recipes come from a Paula Deen cookbook and have enough calories to feed a third world village for a fortnight. All of which was funneled into your friends mouth for a solid week. But like a balloon, this friend will eventually deflate thanks to genetics designed to deal with this exact situation.

 

 

 

The 5 Types of Thanksgivings Your Friends Will Have


"Ugh, I stayed out till 3:34 a.m. and my mom was all like worried. God she's so annoying!"

Who cares if they gave me life and support me entirely, my parents won't let me go to that all night "Thanksgiving Eve Rave" at an abandoned warehouse in a neighboring city so they are the worst." 

Upon return from their holiday you might hear this person talking about how much they missed the unlimited freedom of college or complaining about not having a place to hook up with a hottie that they could've "totally banged."  You'll roll your eyes when they aren't looking but smile and nod to their face because they know the bouncer at every bar and you hate lines.

 

 

The 5 Types of Thanksgivings Your Friends Will Have


"My family doesn't celebrate crimes against humanity."

 

Ok, so when the pilgrims colonized the new world they might've done it by taking the Native American's land. None of us are happy about that, but shaming everyone who doesn't boycott Thanksgiving just makes this person annoying. Their family is vegan so any "feast" they would be having would be closer what your turkey ate before being stuffed and slow cooked on the Green Egg. They mount a high horse on stilts to tell you all of the most depressing parts of America's colonization and when they're finished they expect you to hate yourself.  You'd leave the conversation but you're in a group meeting for the final project worth 45% of your grade.

 

 

 

The 5 Types of Thanksgivings Your Friends Will Have


"Huh? Oh Thanksgiving. I don't really remember."

 

Wandering the dorm with a dazed and confused look, this friend spent Thanksgiving week enduring their family, all of it, every cousin from everywhere. Every year this friend's family has a Thanksgiving reunion that tests your friend's endurance and sanity. Cousins from Boston, California, Texas, Florida, Canada, and somehow Croatia gathered in his home and - surprise - they have nothing in common. This discomfort led to alcohol consumption which in turn led to screaming arguments about whose football team is better and Uncle Carl calling Cousin Ace a west coast liberal communist  Your friend spent most of the week breaking up fights, drinking, and hiding in the linen closet. Give this friend some space, but make sure they don't have access to any pointy objects or firearms.  

 

 

 

The 5 Types of Thanksgivings Your Friends Will Have


"Guess who's got the new console. Which one? Both, bitches!"

 

This friend went away with a sly grin and came back with eight nights worth of presents from his family. Hanukkah came early this year and having Jewish friend quickly jumped to the top of everyone else's Christmas list. With the new consoles hooked up and running, this friend's dorm room has quickly become the most crowded place on campus (including the Starbucks).  Sure you have to wait 47 minutes to play a round of Call of Duty but while you're playing, it feels like nothing could go wrong. That is until you and all of your friends realize your first exam is in seven hours and the only political science you know is the art of war.