Consumers are easily misled by packaging and often purchase turkeys labeled "organic" that were in fact fed growth hormones. Here are some easy ways to tell if your turkey was fed growth hormones.
1. The turkey's batting average is above .400
While turkeys are natural sluggers, they rarely break .350. The perfect Thanksgiving turkey will bat around .270 with an OBP of .3100. Refer to your turkey card for precise statistics.
2. Your turkey's ergometer score is above 1,500/km per minute
Wow, your turkey sure can row -- but does crew experience really matter once he's roasting in the oven? Free-range turkeys never row above 200/km per minute, and actually prefer canoeing.
3. Your turkey qualified for the Tour de France
Always check your turkey's time-trials, preferably the 11.8-mile. If your bird finished in under 18 minutes, throw him in the garbage! You've got a blood-doper in the oven.
4. Your turkey rushed 40 yards in under 4 seconds
Turkeys love the 40 -- but according to last years' combine, 10.2 seconds seems to be the median time. This turkey, despite promising word-of-mouth, is a loser. Don't sacrifice taste for hype.
5. Your turkey made it to the 12th round with Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Chances are, if your turkey is suiting up to face the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world Floyd Mayweather, he's using supplements. But the 12th round! Your turkey was juicing day and night. Look for scars along the wing and lacerations above the right breast.
6. Your turkey, overall, spends too much time at the gym
It may seem like willpower, but anabolic steroids and turkey-growth-hormones (T.G.H) are what really motivates your bird to hit the gym. Thanksgiving turkeys with no traces of TGH generally go about twice a week and usually just for cardio.
7. Your turkey lashes out for seemingly no reason
Sure, he's going to be cooked and served to your family, but that's no excuse for abuse. If your turkey tries to intimidate you either verbally or physically, return it -- your dinner is withdrawing from steroids, or worse, heroin.
8. Your turkey has a misdemeanor on his record
Serious drug violations carry major consequences -- especially for turkeys of color. So remember: a turkey in jail is a turkey in a cage. I'll pass, thank you very much!
9. It has six wings
Don't wait until dad carves the turkey to notice extra pairs of wings! Growth mutations, (horns, humps, antlers) while tasty, are sure signs your "organic" turkey wasn't raised cage-free!
10. Your turkey has been to space
NASA-certified turkeys are required to take supplements in order to function in zero gravity. These astro-turkeys might have seen the moon, but don't let them see your plate!
11. Your turkey has an on/off switch
If you notice any switches, outlets, or cords on your turkey, beware: this turkey is a decorative turkey. Put it in the bathroom. Or better yet, put it in your bedroom.