The TMZ crew went up to the North Pole to get the rundown on Rudolph and everyone else in Santa's Workshop.
While Mrs. Claus is away, Santa will play. Who is this bearded beefcake? TMZ found out from a certain dapper snowman wearing a vest and a bowler hat that they are more than just friends and he added, "What happens in the workshop, stays in the workshop." Maybe all that sweating is why Santa still hasn't found anyone to lead his sleigh tonight!
All of the other reindeer were living large at the coolest club in the North Pole, frost., but when Rudolph got there, the bouncer said "No Way!" Rudolph exploded, throwing some racially-charged hatespeak at the elf. We've printed it here, UNCENSORED: "You curly-shoed, toy-tinkerer better let me in before I shove a goddamn candy-cane up your ass!" Rudolph left in a huff but not before squatting and leaving a small pile of Christmas cheer on frost.'s front doorstep.
The Abominable Snowman is MELTING DOWN! TMZ waited outside of his cave and caught the beast mid-crisis. TMZ learned from his rantings that he is "sick of this sh**" and that he just wants some "motherfrosting privacy."
Rudolph's Ex was not happy to hear about Rudolph getting the nod to lead Santa's sleigh. The on-again-off-again couple are apparently done for good this time. TMZ found out this blow-up is due to Rudolph now working in such close proximity with fellow Santa's Sleigh Reindeer, Dancer.
Rudolph's Ex: "Dancer is a slut. She is a doe-hoe. If Rudolph wants to play the tough buck, he can, but I ain't going to be nobody's Bambi. No tears from me. I hope that sleigh crashes on that cheating bastard and he dies. I hope he dies."
TMZ has learned that early passing of Hermey the Elf was caused from an overdose of MDMA, or Molly. Thirty-six hours before being found frozen to death, Hermey was with Rudolph and was in very high spirits. Hermey was seen dancing with the reindeer and could not keep his hands off of Rudolph's nose, saying, "Boop. It's so bright. It's like a light. Red lights mean stop but not this one. Boop." The other contents in Hermey's stomach were candy canes, egg nog, and frosting (elf semen).
After Rudolph saved Christmas and helped lead Santa's sleigh, Mr. Claus checked himself into the Holly Jolly Rehab Facility for sex addiction. Mr. Claus had this to say: "I have a problem. I have a lot of downtime and I need to think of a better way to fill it. I am sorry for how this will affect my wife. This year, I am putting myself on the naughty list and I am seeking help."