Regarding Your Recent Internet History

Subject: Regarding your recent internet history

From: IT Department

Date: 12/2/2013 10:17 AM

Status: URGENT

 

Good Morning David,

Hope you had a nice weekend. As you may have heard, we here at the IT department were recently given the order to implement a new software package which will carefully monitor all employee Internet history. This has been in effect for roughly two weeks now. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you have unfortunately been one of the key subjects of our latest investigation. I do not quite know how to say this, but you David, are sick. I have come across some VERY sick people in this office but you David are hands down one of the sickest.

According to your WebMD results page it says you have potentially been diagnosed with pneumonia? It also says that you registered yourself at a 103 degree fever? I certainly hope you are not in the office because my immune system is not as reliable as it once was and my bowling team "Got a Brew to Spare?" is in the finals this Saturday. If possible, please work from home until Monday.

I apologize for the unrelated tangent as we should probably focus on the real issue at hand here. As you know, upper management makes a strong effort to screen each of our employees before they are hired. Unfortunately, it appears that they may have dropped the ball when it came to you David. According to our extensive research we have found that you are DISTURBED.

This is extremely concerning David. Do you know how alarming it is to work at the same company as someone and not know that they are DISTURBED? I don't understand; you are David Draiman, the lead singer of Nu Metal band Disturbed and you are working at a mid level accounting firm on Long Island? I realize that there are other members in the band but there is no Disturbed without you David. I was not trying to be intrusive but I couldn't help but to see an email from your tour manager come through on your company email address. I know you guys haven't really had a hit song since 2000's platinum hit single "Down with the Sickness", but are times really that tough? I guess Nu Metal doesn't get the respect it deserves anymore and I honestly blame that on today's youth. The fact that this flew under the radar only reaffirms my belief that this company needs to hold more company-wide events in which we all get the chance to socialize together as one cohesive unit.

Well I think we have covered just about everything that needed to be covered but please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about our new software.

Regards,

Kevin

IT Department (Ext. 24)

 

PS. I saw your Bing search last night. I do not believe they have any "Uncensored Maury episodes with lady boobs". I did a quick search on our end and wasn't able to find anything. I will get back to you with a confirmation by EOD.