Every year people complain about overplayed Christmas songs, but it could be a lot worse. Here are 10 original Christmas songs you never hear played at the mall. Because they're all terrible.
I Farted on Santa's Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me)
Artist: The Little Stinkers
It's almost as if this song were calculated to be as annoying as possible. Chorus of off-key kids? Check. Fart noises? Check. Stupid title? Look at it. Normally this could be considered just a dumb novelty song, not deserving any sort of attention, except for the fact that in 2002 it charted on Billboard's Hot 100 Singles. Charted all over Santa's lap.
All I Want for Christmas is My Upper Plate
Artist: Homer and Jethro
It takes real balls to look at "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" and say, "I bet I can make this more annoying." Parodying a song that's already a novelty song is pretty dumb but you've got to have a better idea than just getting rid of more teeth.
What Can You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)
The Star Wars Holiday Special is perhaps the only thing in the Star Wars universe more hated than Jar Jar Binks. If you aren't familiar with this particular pile of shit, take a listen to the song above, sung entirely by droids, with backing instrumentals by a carousel from hell. Musicality aside, these droids are pretty terrible friends. He's Chewbacca. He's got a personality and hobbies and everything. I'm sure you can find a good gift if you think beyond "Well, wookies are pretty hairy."
Artist: Harry Stewart AKA Yogi Yorgesson
There was a period in our nation's history when nothing was funnier than someone doing a fake Swedish accent (see "All I Want for Christmas is My Upper Plate" above). There are certainly worse songs on this list, but this song is notable for being as unnecessary as it was successful. As a single "Yingle Bells" sold over a million records and peaked at number seven on the Hot Singles chart. For comparison, here are some singles that peaked at number seven in 2013: Maroon 5's "Daylight", Icona Pop's "I Love It", and Eminem's "Rap God".
Santa Claus has Got the AIDS / (Ayds) This Year
Artist: Tiny Tim
Is this a real song? Yes. Yes it is. Tiny Tim claims that the song refers to the diet supplement "Ayds" and not the horrific disease "AIDS", but that claim seems a little dubious with lyrics like "He's lying sick in bed. Call the doctor there instead" and "The nurses all look sad 'cause Santa's got it bad." If the content doesn't turn you off, the repetitive Casio keyboard-style backing track will.
Artist: Lady Gaga feat. Space Cowboy
With "Christmas Tree" Lady Gaga brought forth a song that is less subtle than "Baby, It's Cold Outside" and more repetitive than "The Little Drummer Boy." The line "my Christmas tree's delicious" is a double entendre so lazy it might qualify as a single entendre. On the other hand she captures what the Christmas season is really all about: fucking.
Funky, Funky Xmas
Artist: New Kids on the Block
Technically this is "Xmas" song and not a Christmas song, but I think we can still put it on the list, especially when it opens with that great Sean Connery in the role of Santa Claus impression. If you're listening to the song, be prepared to hear the phrase "funky, funky xmas" a lot, but if it makes you feel better, The New Kids on the Block sound as tired of singing it as you are of hearing it.
Artist: Cyndi Lauper
"Bonga, bonga, bonga. Do the Christmas conga."
Have a Cheeky Christmas
Artist: The Cheeky Girls
The Cheeky Girls are a heavily-accented Romanian-born British pop duo whose entire catalogue seems to be entirely about boys, girls, and/or being cheeky. Given that limited subject matter, it's incredible that they have released two different, terrible Christmas songs. "Have a Cheeky Christmas" is included on this list, even though it's arguably a better song than "Boys and Girls (Xmas Time Love)". The latter gets only a passing mention here because it has fuck-all to do with Christmas: a few Yuletide references followed by lots of extended shots of people in a swimming pool. Both look and sound like they were produced in 1989 and digitized from old tapes.
The Christmas Unicorn
Artist: Sufjan Stevens
In 2012, in perhaps the greatest feat of self-indulgence ever witnessed by man, Sufjan Stevens released a 40-track collection of Christmas songs ending with this twelve-minute long tune. I have a pretty high tolerance for twee bullshit but I can't make it more than four minutes of this song without rolling my eyes. It sounds like something a doughy court minstrel would sing for medieval king moments before having his head cut off for the crime of "obnoxiousness."