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  1. 2:35 am, Christmas Eve. A crowd of cops huddles over the trampled dead body of a Grandmother.
  2. Lieutenant

    According to forensics, the Grandmother was found dead in the snow this morning with numerous hoofprints on her forehead, consistent with those of a reindeer. You'll note there appeared to be a dozen or so reindeer, but their footprints only continue another 50 feet in the snow then mysteriously disappear. Also, a number of red, furry clothing fibers were found at the scene, as well as some white beard hair on her back, which we're currently running a DNA test on in the lab.

  3. Captain

    Well, this seems like an open-and-shut case to me: Pretty clear suicide.

  4. Lieutenant

    I concur, Captain. Definitely a suicide.

  5. Rookie Cop

    Wait, what? Lieutenant, clearly this woman was run over by a reindeer, likely several reindeer, and possibly deliberately. There's marks literally ALL OVER her body, and this child and his grandfather said they witnessed the incident firsthand!

  6. Captain

    Those marks could've gotten on the woman at any time, probably after she killed herself in an unrelated fashion. And you really wanna take the word of a scared little kid and his senile old grandfather? We're marking it down as a suicide and cleaning up the crime scene ASAP, there's nothing left to do here.

  7. Rookie Cop

    But there's a million reindeer footprints and a pile of really distinct-looking hair, don't you think we should at least investigate--

  8. Captain

    I SAID -- there's nothing left to do here. This investigation is closed. Do you have a problem with that, Officer Who-The-Hell-Is-This-Guy-Even? Get him out of my face.

  9. Rookie Cop

    Wait a minute...what is really going on here?

  10. Captain

    Lieutenant, you wanna explain to Fisher Price "My First Handcuffs" over here exactly how this works?

  11. Lieutenant Pulls Rookie Aside
  12. Rookie

    Barry, why won't the captain even listen to me? This is the third identical reindeer-related slaying we've seen in under two weeks, and still the department won't even bring in this Claus guy for questioning?

  13. Lieutenant

    Jack, do yourself a favor. Go home. Hug your wife. Have a candy cane. Make some hot chocolate. Stick the candy cane in the mug so it makes the hot chocolate all minty, I don't care, it's up to you. Just please, whatever you do, let this go.

  14. Rookie

    Ohhhh, I see how it is. Now I see exactly how it is. The Captain's got his hands in Santa Claus' giant, fluffy pockets.

  15. Lieutenant

    Jack don't be ridiculous, Mr. Claus is one of the jolliest men in our community--

  16. Rookie

    And the public is supposed to believe that an 89-year-old woman just randomly decided to kill herself in the middle of the street on Christmas Eve? By, how -- bludgeoning herself in the face with some sort of hoof-shaped club? Even if we drop this case, it's not gonna go away.

  17. Lieutenant

    All the public knows is that an old woman drank too much eggnog and died in the cold. Old people die, it happens all the time. Is it really worth ruining the reputation of a beloved jolly ol' fat man who every kid loves? On CHRISTMAS DAY? And for what?? To satisfy your crazy suspicions? To fulfill some twisted sense of justice you THINK you're serving?

  18. Rookie

    My God, Barry. You're in on this too?

  19. Lieutenant

    I'm not "in" on anything, Jack, I just... I just don't see the point of ruining everyone's Christmas when we all know it won't change anything. Even if we bring in Claus, there's no way the D.A. charges him with anything but a slap on the wrist, and in an election year?? You'd have a better chance convincing the mayor to go after friggin' Santa Claus. Bad example, but you get what I'm saying.

  20. Santa Claus Enters, alongside The Mayor and an Entourage of Aides
  21. Santa Claus

    Ho ho hoooo, Captain, I'm soooo sorry, I came as soon as I heard. A poor woman commits suicide on Christmas Eve? Ho ho hoooooohhhh, what a shame.

  22. Mayor

    Truly, a senseless tragedy.

  23. Captain

    Don't worry, Mr. Claus, it's all under control. We'll have this cleaned up in no time.

  24. Santa Claus

    Ho ho hoooooo, that's excellent news! You've been a very, very good investigator indeed! That makes Santa very relieved. I'll be sure to donate some toys to a charity in her name, this poor lady.

  25. Rookie

    YOU.

  26. Lieutenant

    Jaaaack, donnnn't...

  27. Rookie

    You remorseless, magical son of a bitch. You think you can do whatever the hell you want and wash it away with a few crappy pieces of PLASTIC?

  28. Captain

    You better shut your mouth RIGHT NOW, Rookie or so help me-

  29. Santa Claus

    No no no, let him speak. You're a very spirited little fellow, aren't you, Officer...Jack Hodgeson, is it? Of 2112 Marbury Drive? White brick house by the cul-de-sac?

  30. Rookie

    ...Yes. What's it to you?

  31. Santa Claus

    I hear your daughter's been veeeeery excited about getting her first 'big girl' bicycle this Christmas? Like, say, a Pink Diamondback 12-speed 'Lil Cruiser' with a matching helmet? Sure would be a shame if a gift like that never actually made it under the tree on Christmas morning. I'll bet your daughter would be devastated.

  32. Rookie

    ...Is that a threat?

  33. Santa Claus

    Threat! HOOOO ho hooooooo, oh no, of course not! I'm simply saying that with today's shorthanded postal staff, toys get lost in the mail all the time! Mighty shame when it happens, too. Just try explaining it to your daughter. And on Christmas morning, no less. Those tears just keep coming, lemme tell ya...

  34. Rookie

    YOU LEAVE MY DAUGHTER OUT OF THIS YOU FAT SACK OF SHIT--

  35. Rookie grabs Santa around the neck, starts shaking him, but is quickly restrained by the Lieutenant and the Mayor's Aides
  36. Captain

    Take him downtown! Book him for assaulting a citizen and throw in one count of, let's say, "Lack of Christmas Cheer" for good measure.

  37. Santa Claus

    Hoooo hooo hoooooo, bye bye!!! Try not to be too rough on him, fellas, he's got a daughter who'll be fatherless on Christmas morning! Ho ho hoooo!!!

  38. Rookie

    SOMEONE! ANYONE! YOU HAVE TO TELL THE STORY OF SANTA'S INFAMY! HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!!!!!

  39. Man In Crowd

    Hmmmm...

  40. A man in the crowd DID witness that scene of Santa's infamy that day, and went on to write a song about it. That man's name? ROBERT ZIMMERMAN. Later known to the public as BOB DYLAN. But unfortunately, his heartfelt protest song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" was left off his seminal Blonde On Blonde record and ended up being lost to history, until a pair of novelty singers re-recorded it in 1979 and it became a Christmas novelty-classic, without anyone ever knowing the true, horrifying story that inspired it.
  41. Also that cop's daughter never got her bike, either. Ridiculous, right? Santa was that thorough of an asshole.