According to forensics, the Grandmother was found dead in the snow this morning with numerous hoofprints on her forehead, consistent with those of a reindeer. You'll note there appeared to be a dozen or so reindeer, but their footprints only continue another 50 feet in the snow then mysteriously disappear. Also, a number of red, furry clothing fibers were found at the scene, as well as some white beard hair on her back, which we're currently running a DNA test on in the lab.
Well, this seems like an open-and-shut case to me: Pretty clear suicide.
I concur, Captain. Definitely a suicide.
Wait, what? Lieutenant, clearly this woman was run over by a reindeer, likely several reindeer, and possibly deliberately. There's marks literally ALL OVER her body, and this child and his grandfather said they witnessed the incident firsthand!
Those marks could've gotten on the woman at any time, probably after she killed herself in an unrelated fashion. And you really wanna take the word of a scared little kid and his senile old grandfather? We're marking it down as a suicide and cleaning up the crime scene ASAP, there's nothing left to do here.
But there's a million reindeer footprints and a pile of really distinct-looking hair, don't you think we should at least investigate--
I SAID -- there's nothing left to do here. This investigation is closed. Do you have a problem with that, Officer Who-The-Hell-Is-This-Guy-Even? Get him out of my face.
Wait a minute...what is really going on here?
Lieutenant, you wanna explain to Fisher Price "My First Handcuffs" over here exactly how this works?
Barry, why won't the captain even listen to me? This is the third identical reindeer-related slaying we've seen in under two weeks, and still the department won't even bring in this Claus guy for questioning?
Jack, do yourself a favor. Go home. Hug your wife. Have a candy cane. Make some hot chocolate. Stick the candy cane in the mug so it makes the hot chocolate all minty, I don't care, it's up to you. Just please, whatever you do, let this go.
Ohhhh, I see how it is. Now I see exactly how it is. The Captain's got his hands in Santa Claus' giant, fluffy pockets.
Jack don't be ridiculous, Mr. Claus is one of the jolliest men in our community--
And the public is supposed to believe that an 89-year-old woman just randomly decided to kill herself in the middle of the street on Christmas Eve? By, how -- bludgeoning herself in the face with some sort of hoof-shaped club? Even if we drop this case, it's not gonna go away.
All the public knows is that an old woman drank too much eggnog and died in the cold. Old people die, it happens all the time. Is it really worth ruining the reputation of a beloved jolly ol' fat man who every kid loves? On CHRISTMAS DAY? And for what?? To satisfy your crazy suspicions? To fulfill some twisted sense of justice you THINK you're serving?
My God, Barry. You're in on this too?
I'm not "in" on anything, Jack, I just... I just don't see the point of ruining everyone's Christmas when we all know it won't change anything. Even if we bring in Claus, there's no way the D.A. charges him with anything but a slap on the wrist, and in an election year?? You'd have a better chance convincing the mayor to go after friggin' Santa Claus. Bad example, but you get what I'm saying.
Ho ho hoooo, Captain, I'm soooo sorry, I came as soon as I heard. A poor woman commits suicide on Christmas Eve? Ho ho hoooooohhhh, what a shame.
Truly, a senseless tragedy.
Don't worry, Mr. Claus, it's all under control. We'll have this cleaned up in no time.
Ho ho hoooooo, that's excellent news! You've been a very, very good investigator indeed! That makes Santa very relieved. I'll be sure to donate some toys to a charity in her name, this poor lady.
You remorseless, magical son of a bitch. You think you can do whatever the hell you want and wash it away with a few crappy pieces of PLASTIC?
You better shut your mouth RIGHT NOW, Rookie or so help me-
No no no, let him speak. You're a very spirited little fellow, aren't you, Officer...Jack Hodgeson, is it? Of 2112 Marbury Drive? White brick house by the cul-de-sac?
...Yes. What's it to you?
I hear your daughter's been veeeeery excited about getting her first 'big girl' bicycle this Christmas? Like, say, a Pink Diamondback 12-speed 'Lil Cruiser' with a matching helmet? Sure would be a shame if a gift like that never actually made it under the tree on Christmas morning. I'll bet your daughter would be devastated.
...Is that a threat?
Threat! HOOOO ho hooooooo, oh no, of course not! I'm simply saying that with today's shorthanded postal staff, toys get lost in the mail all the time! Mighty shame when it happens, too. Just try explaining it to your daughter. And on Christmas morning, no less. Those tears just keep coming, lemme tell ya...
YOU LEAVE MY DAUGHTER OUT OF THIS YOU FAT SACK OF SHIT--
Take him downtown! Book him for assaulting a citizen and throw in one count of, let's say, "Lack of Christmas Cheer" for good measure.
Hoooo hooo hoooooo, bye bye!!! Try not to be too rough on him, fellas, he's got a daughter who'll be fatherless on Christmas morning! Ho ho hoooo!!!
SOMEONE! ANYONE! YOU HAVE TO TELL THE STORY OF SANTA'S INFAMY! HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!!!!!