Behold, the heartwarming wisdom of our most beloved Christmas films...
Don't be skeptical of an old man at a mall who keeps telling children he's the real Santa.
Your friends expect nothing of you, so when you mess up and inevitably let them down, they'll just kinda roll with it.
No matter how much your family annoys you, Christmas just isn't the same without them. But if they're not around, don't make any attempts to contact them or any other humans, and deliberately avoid the police.
Pretty much the same message, but also bricks thrown at someone's head from a rooftop will only lightly, whimsically injure them.
From struggling baseball teams to suicide, there's no problem that angels can't solve!
If some dumbass magician has a magic hat but you do something way cooler with it, just take it, fuck that guy.
Things that were exaggerated jokes about the TV industry in 1988 came true like nine years ago.
Don't rush to judge "mean" people; they may have simply been born with a less fortunate heart-size than you, and/or are just literally a conspicuous green monster in a land of singing beagle people.
Don't trust anyone with a German accent. Or an American accent, cause they could just be a German pretending.
When Elf is on tv, you WILL stop what you're doing and watch Elf.
Murdering Santa carries some wacky repercussions!
Don't use CGI unless you're positive it won't look like crap a year and a half later.
I'd probably make out with Hugh Grant.
Anyone can be special, as long as you have a really specific, really special talent that comes in handy at the absolute perfect time. Otherwise, you are definitively not special (hence, the very meaning of the word "special"). Merry Christmas!