From Santa to Krampus to the Elf on the Shelf, there is no shortage of magical Christmas beings that we use to manipulate the world's youth into behaving more tolerably. Unfortunately, they all have the same message of "Don't act naughty" which, let's be honest, is pretty vague. I think we could all benefit from a little more specificity which is why we need these new Holiday characters with clearer cut Christmas messages.

 

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Parents love their kids. They love them so much, in fact, that lots of children now seem to believe themselves to be amazing creatures that everyone adores and wants in their business at all times. While this is good for the kid's self-esteem, it's also a major annoyance for the rest of us. The Boundaries Fairy would fix this. She would remind the kids that not everyone loves them like their parents do by giving them a hat full of candy on Christmas day if they can make it a year without acting overly familiar.

 

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I think we can all agree that kids are dumb. They're so dumb that they don't even realize how stupid they are. They're also arrogant about it, often assuming they know better than the adults around them just because they can count to ten now. It's time to finally put those little snot-noses in their places with the Adults-Are-Probably-Smarter-Than-You Gnome. He's a magical magical creature helps kids remember how dumb they really are by stealing one present every time they act like little know-it-alls.

 

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I don't want to sound like a jerk here, but kids really need to shut their fat faces. They have the preternatural gift of making a lot of noise for an extended period of time, and often over more preferable noises like television and adult conversations. For everyone who just needs one moment of silence, it's Captain Quiet Time to the rescue. He's an ancient pirate who flies around the skies in his candy cane ship, giving children a shiny new nickel for every hour they keep their mouths shut.

 

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Even though their lives are short, and mind-numbingly trivial, kids seem to have a lot of stories to tell. Because they're new at it, their story-telling skills have not yet developed and the yarns they weave are long, boring, and pointless. Most adults are too kind to do what they want, which is tell a child to shut their mouths and walk away. Enter the Succinctness Dragon, who turns our young whippersnappers into little Hemmingways, by threatening to eat them whenever they ramble on like a moron.

 

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Kids say the darndest things, and while that makes for a hilarious television show, it makes for a lot of horribly uncomfortable moments in real life. Kids need to learn that not everything needs to be heard by everyone all the time, and that's why we need the Discretion Goblin: A little yellow goblin who lives in the pillow cases of children and steals a chunk of their soul every time they blurt out something that would get a grown up punched in the face.