10. Vastum - Patricidal Lust

Coming right out of the gate you know you're gonna love this because there's a big-ass bat on the cover

 

9. Svart Crown - Profane


This is a very good album about how a guy's mom was mean

 

8. Red Fang - Whales and Leeches

 

 

You can tell this one is good because of the evil rainforest

 

7. Cara Neir - Portals to a Better, Dead World


This album is great for everyone who would prefer to be dead

6. Noisem - Agony Defined

Don't be fooled by the "basic" blood pentagrams this band has a very deep skull collection

 

5. TOAD - Endless Night


A lesser band puts stir fry on the cover but a good metal record will make that wok a cauldron of hellfire

4. Ruins of Beverast - Blood Vaults: The Blazing Gospel of Heinrich Kramer


A rule of thumb for metal is that if Evil Yoda is having a bad time you're gonna have a good time

 

3. Satan - Life Sentence


We are all thankful that the band originally called Seitan realized their preference for Lucifer over tofu

 

2. Cerekloth - In the Midst of Life We Are in Death

This album is all about rebelling against institutions and dental appointments

1. Obscure Sphinx - Void Mother

 

 

When it comes to scaring me into liking your record, two glass eyes are better than one.

 

 

Missed the Cut:

 

Deafheaven - Sunbather

 

undefined

 

This looks soft as hell