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One of the best parts of the Christmas season is getting to listen to Christmas music. One of the worst parts is that Christmas music is really just, like, nine songs sung by everyone over and over with slight variations that usually make them sound worse. There's an easy fix for this: more Christmas songs. And, I know what you're thinking, every mid-level pop star and country singer has made original Christmas music and it's all garbage. This is true, but it shouldn't be. Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Justin Timberlake, and many other people could easily make the catchiest song that is also a little bit about Christmas or snow or whatever. Not only would that make listening to the radio between November 10th and December 26th way better, but it would make them even richer than they already are. Hit Christmas song royalties are the true Christmas miracle.

 

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No one has ever made it through Christmas without getting a gift they don't want. It doesn't mean you didn't appreciate the thought or feel grateful that you got a gift at all. You're not an asshole. But you still know you don't want this gift, you'll never use it, but you'll keep it for the 2 - 5 years of disuse it takes before you can guiltlessly throw it out, and you'll do this because it's a ridiculous hassle to return gifts. Either the person who gave it also gives you the receipt to begin with and you need to schlep to a store, or, even worse, they don't give you a receipt and you need to ask for one, which is the rudest thing a person can do. Instead, Amazon should just have an open door return policy where you can send anything to them, they'll figure out what it's worth, and then credit your account. So easy.

 

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On the very first Christmas, the first string of lights was strung about the many branches of the tree. On the second Christmas, everyone looked in the box of Christmas decorations from the year before and said, "Oh, shit, these lights are completely tangled up," and then one member of the family had to spend forever untangling them while being grumpy with the rest of them family, but not letting them go do other stuff because they were decorating the tree as a family, god damnit. Instead of going through that every year, why don't we just hang individual glow bulbs? A simple google search shows that the technology for this exists, but it's being misspent on one-off tacky ornaments. Let's revolutionize the holiday by letting individual lights stay individual lights, and not have them brought down by forced togetherness with their family.

 

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There's a lot about having small kids in a family that really sucks, but not on Christmas. On Christmas, little kids get excited about cheap little gifts, their gifts are usually toys, which gives them and the rest of the family something to do for at least a little while on Christmas day, and, most of all, kids make all the adults in a family behave way better because Christmas is for kids and they know not to ruin it. If there are NO kids, however, Christmas is for complaining about Uncle Bob's legal problems, fighting about what the guy from Duck Dynasty said about homosexuality, and relentlessly pressuring every childless family member between the ages of 27 and 40 to have a kid already so that Christmas will be better next year.

 

 

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Every family has its own set of traditions, but, for the most part, it's understood that Christmas is a three part event: Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas morning presents opening and carrying on, and Christmas dinner. This is too many things to do with your family. Christmas should just be 7 AM - 12 PM on December 25th. That should be the only portion of the holiday that involves family obligation. Christmas Eve and post-12 PM on Christmas day should be freetime where you can actually relax and celebrate the year, instead of pretending you're celebrating the year, but really just trying to get out of that conversation with your aunt about your Uncle Bob's legal problems.

 

 

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From the first moment that fall's cool breezes start to turn into winter's frigid knives of wind, we get excited because this horrible cold means CHRISTMAS! But then, barely a few weeks into winter, Christmas comes and goes, and then we're just left with three more months of awful cold without anything to look forward to but the knowledge that spring must, it just must, come eventually. Let's move Christmas to the end of January, let Thanksgiving, New Year's, and Christmas have a little breathing room. Why not move Christmas even later in the winter, you ask? Because, as I mentioned before, there aren't enough Christmas songs and we'd all go insane if we had to keep listening to the same ones for more than an extra month.

 

 

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You asshole.