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You know who you are, we know who you are. Don't be this guy. We saw you come in with the 66 oz bottle of Jack Daniels and secretly dump it in the toilet. (Didn't even remember to flush.) At least give us something more believable to watch instead of smashing your phone keys in the corner of the room playing the latest update of Angry Birds while you chatter on about how drunk you are.

 

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Is he conscious? Is he sleeping? No one knows. All we're informed about is that he provided the house with three kegs of his own, yet nobody took a sip! We're crossing our fingers that he has a close friend who will shield him off from the rowdy clan of notorious d**k drawers. In the meanwhile, just let him rest on the trampoline with his luxuriant cloak of empty beer cans.

 

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You're somewhat decent at beer pong, we get it. Flip your cap back around and pick up your pants. No one wants to see your superman boxers as you bend over the table and hurl ping-pong balls into cups of cheap alcohol. And while you're at it, please refrain from your urge to call everyone "bro". This isn't your frat house.

 

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For one reason or another, this class of party species likes to gather with its own kind. You can usually find this breed huddled around the biggest crowd, snapping poor pictures of "fun times" with their freshly purchased iPhone. Occasionally, they will step out to scroll through their 1000 individually shot photos, squawking about they will always remember these moments. And to add insult to the injury, they spend the next 24 hours uploading them to Facebook, tagging your name in every photo they see of you.

 

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Then here you have the killjoy who for some reason heard about the party using the full potential of his six degrees of separation, and is now here, trying out the card tricks from his newly acquired magic book. No one really minds this guy, but he's been asking how to turn on the Xbox all night to play Skyrim, and he can't seem to find the owner of the house. I guess maybe someone should hand him a beer.