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I read something about Amanda Bynes' recovery the other day in which the writer kept saying how happy they are that she's getting better, and right at the top of it was a photo of her walking around that had clearly been snapped by the paparazzi. Now I'm no genius, but it seems to me that if people actually cared about her recovery, they wouldn't be encouraging people to follow her around with a camera, snapping pictures, while her mental health is hanging by a string. Articles about celebrity downfalls fall into two camps. There's the bullshit Miley Cyrus kind, where all the drama is manufactured (usually by the celebrities themselves) in order to drum up publicity, and there's the Amanda Bynes kind, in which someone is genuinely in need of help, and reporting on them under the guise of concern is flat out ghoulish. Both types are need to go away immediately. 

 

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A lot of articles pose questions like "Is this the next Lehman Brothers?" "Could the next Sandy be making its way up the coast?" or "Have we found the next Gangam Style?" and the answer is almost certainly no to all of them. When articles do shit like this, they're basically saying "What's happening now is boring, so lets drum up readership by piggybacking on more interesting stuff that happened in the past."

 

 

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Every now and then a news story comes along that's so grizzly and heinous that it comes with a warning to the prospective reader, but don't be fooled. When an article tells you that you may not want to read on, what it's actually saying is "Read this. We dare you." Though you may feel that you're just staying informed by ignoring the alert, and reading on, what you're actually doing is satisfying your basest curiosities and blood lusts. It's the same mindset that causes people to watch torture porn, only the articles are about real stuff that actually happened to real people. 

 

 

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Who did something slightly noteworthy? The answer will probably be someone uninteresting, who you don't care about, otherwise their name would have been in the headline. 

 

 

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When Tom Daley made headlines by coming out, my first reaction was "Good for him". My second reaction was "Who the fuck is Tom Daley and why is he making headlines?" News stories about homosexuality do well because a lot of well intentioned people are very interested in a good cause. That said, people being overly interested in all things gay is still kind of homophobic. It's just a different kind of homophobic. It's the same line of thinking that causes people to scream "I love gay guys" then go up to gay strangers, asking for a makeover. If we want to get to a place where being a homosexual is just the same as being heterosexual, being gay has to stop making headline news. 

 

 

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Who cares? Is there really anyone out there whose like "You know what? I'm not sure how I feel about Benghazi, I want to hear what Selena Gomez has to say"? The whole point of Twitter is that if you actually care about what a person has to say, you can choose for yourself to follow them. 

 

 

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Whenever a big storm hits, websites will alway run stories about it the morning with titles like "Massive Blizzard Slams The East Coast." It's like, if the storm actually effected you to the point that you need to read an article about it, chances are you already know the gist of what happened, and, at this point, you don't even have the electricity you need to read the story anyway. 

 

 

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These happen a lot more than you might expect, and they should all just be called "What place should we gentrify next?" 

 

 

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I get that elections can be very interesting, but it's fucking 2014. Nobody has even declared that they're running yet, and there's already no shortage of articles predicting who will win. We need to stop encouraging this behavior.  People being overly interested in presidential elections is turning what should be a simple civic process into what is a essentially the most expensive reality show on Earth. It's pretty much ruining the country. 

 

 

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A lot of places reported recently about how Tila Tequila went a long, pro-Nazi rant, and when I heard it, I wasn't surprised that Tila Tequila was a Nazi, so much as I was surprised that she still exists. The only difference between her and a raving lunatic on a random street corner is that, for some reason, Tila Tequila has been given a platform. Some people are so desperate for some explosive bit of news, that they'll scrape it off the bottom of the barrel.  When people like Tila Tequila and Fred Phelps say something repugnant, we shouldn't reward them with publicity; we should ignore them until they go away. If F-List celebrities want to be famous, they should do it the proper way: By starring in a sitcom on TV Land. (Side Note: Dear TV Land, please make a sitcom starring Tila Tequila and Fred Phelps. They can be former Manhattanites who open up a bed and breakfast, and you could call it "Hate in Cleveland")