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You just got back from an amazing, once in a lifetime trip, but now that you're home you need to choose your words wisely so you don't annoy everyone around you. "We went on long night-walks through the most beautiful, old streets in France." Well it's gang initiation season here so we shouldn't leave campus after dark unless we want to be stabbed.  "We used to get a bottle of Bordeaux wine every night for 5 Euros!" Well in America we can get a case of Busch for 7 bucks and half of your dignity.  We don't care about how it tastes, we just want to import alcohol into our bodies without putting tubes into our exits (talking butt chugging).  So the next time you want to talk about how amazing the clubs overseas are just bite your tongue, smile, and walk into that terrifying, unfinished basement that's supposedly a party.

 

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Yes, one British pound is worth roughly 1.8 U.S. dollars. No, the cab driver will not take your left over pounds as payment for the ride.  If you have a lot of foreign currency, you can exchange it at your local bank. If you have 7 weird looking coins left in your pocket from the plane ride home, throw them in a wishing well, put them in a scrap book, do anything you want with them but don't try to trade them for goods and/or services.  You could exchange them at the airport if you enjoy service fees and taxes usually reserved for countries on the brink of revolution.  They'll end up in a drawer somewhere but it's better than being constantly reminded of a gelato you could've had.  

 

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Knowing regional phrases shows that you've spent enough time in a country to know a little about their culture.  But here, "mind the gap," just sounds like you hate certain retailers and "taking the piss" is what happens during a mandatory drug test.  It's important to forget all of the cool phrases you learned before reentering America.  They will only lead to rolled eyes and confused friends even though in reality they aren't any worse than "YOLO."      

 

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I'm looking at you person who just got back from Italy.  America was founded on freedom and opportunity, more specifically, the freedom and opportunity to shove pounds upon pounds of fried food, burgers, and candy into your face until your heart gives out.  Thanks to underappreciated farmland in the middle of the country, we've made the founding fathers' dreams come true.  Other countries were not as fortunate as us to have grazing land so they spent tons of time turning their fish into something other than a fried stick.  Dishes in other countries are exotic, delicious, and portion controlled.  Comparing American food to this is like comparing apples and apples prepared with cinnamon spices in a pastry.  So the next time you find yourself eating a gas station doughnut, just close your eyes and pretend it's a fresh French pastry from the corner bakery that you- I can't even finish that sentence. 

NOTE: This doesn't apply if you studied in England, Russia, or anywhere in Asia  

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Good news. While you were abroad you met someone special and had the most amazing experience of your life. This person is kind, they are your soul mate, and they go to school on the other side of the country...shit.  You'll tell yourself you can make it work because long distance relationships are their own type of self-imposed prison.  You spend tons of time talking to this person but never touch their live physical form.  It's like dating a computer program without the upside of Spike Jonze directing.  Let this relationship go or change schools to be closer to your significant other, either way it'll be better than having a glorified pen-pal.    

 

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You're blog is like the PS Vita. It's not bad, it's just no one gives a shit.  Most people treat your blog like your mom finding a diary that you're bad at hiding.  They'll open it, realize what they're reading, and then quickly put it away. While you were abroad, you had adventures that needed to be shared with everyone, but you made the mistake of putting it in writing.  If you wanted people to read about your time overseas you should have written your blog in memes.  No one's passing up a cat saying, "I can gets top of the Eifel Tower?"